Welcome to the first Off The Ball of the new season, which says it's good to be back.

Tell me, how is it that the three months of the close season always seem far longer than the nine months of the actual season?

Still, it's good to be back. And, let's face it, it's been a difficult summer. A summer of uncertainty, when weeks of doubt turned into months of fear as the end seemed, after 35+ years, nigh. But, thanks to the efforts of some dedicated people, much publicity, and public pleas for help, salvation was eventually at hand. Dramatically, fears were finally eased after a last-gasp deal and the announcement that, after all, this much-loved institution would carry on, albeit in a new, unfamiliar setting and with much-reduced spectator numbers.

But that's enough about Top of the Pops moving to BBC2, let's talk football instead.

And it's a big welcome back to all our old readers - hope you're both well - and indeed to anyone who's stumbled across us for the first time, probably in a vain attempt to find that download of Posh, Becks and Abi Titmuss (actually, I just made that up to see if I could start an Internet rumour. Well, it keeps me happy).

As ever, OTB will each week bring you news (well, of a sort), comments, humour, controversy and plain madness from the weird and wonderful world of football - from the Premiership to the Conference, from Azerbaijan to Zambia, and, of course, from our very own Cambridge. Talking of which...

Cambridge manager resigns shock
Yes, OTB can reveal exclusively that the Cambridge United manager has sensationally quit on the eve of the new season! Er, well, in my Football Manager game, anyway. Yes, I have reluctantly taken the ultimate step of quitting the Abbey hotseat, having become deeply disillusioned and demotivated by - and I swear to God this is true - the Board's financial mismanagement of the club. I mean, as if?

Instead, I have filled the vacancy at Crewe, tempted by the £5 million transfer budget dangled by the club's chairman (who said this game wasn't the ultimate in realism?).

Having settled in at Gresty Road, one of my first actions was to pop back down the Job Centre and advertise for a new coach. Now, readers from last season may recall that when I did this as Cambridge boss the first person to apply was a J. Beck of Histon (true). So imagine my surprise when the first person to apply for the vacancy at Crewe was - J. Beck of Histon.

You have to admire the man's persistence, though it raises serious question marks about whoever wrote the software (probably a J. Beck of Histon). Anyway, Histon wanted £40,000 for him, so sadly there'll be no relocation to Cheshire for the Beck family just now. Ah well.

Who are we?
Not surprisingly, following our temporary relocation from the Football League to the Conference, most of last year's squad has disappeared and us U's fans are having to familiarise ourselves with lots of new faces at the Abbey. However, it was a bit disconcerting, when writing the matchday programme penpics for the pre-season friendlies, to realise that I knew comfortably more opposition players than I did our own! No wonder the NRE sang out 'Who are we?' during one of the games.

Where are we?
Still, at least we don't have to concern ourselves with what Division 4/3/League 2/Championship Serie C is called this season - phew, one less thing to worry about. See, every cloud...

Who are they?
Now, on hearing the line 'Accrington Stanley - who are they?', anyone of a certain age will smile fondly as they recall one of the most famous TV adverts of the 1980s, when Ian Rush (right) tried - and failed - to make milk cool (just put it in the fridge, surely?).

As ads go it's up there with some of the all-time greats: the hysterical Martians laughing at Cadbury Smash, young people from every nation trying to teach the world to sing, lads in cloth caps climbing girt big hills to deliver t'bread, and beautiful women lying in baths seductively rolling their tongues around bars of flake while pretending it's a phallic symbol (when, of course, it actually is chocolate they're getting orgasmic about. That or shoes).

Anyway, regardless of what it did for milk sales, one thing the ad did achieve was to fix Accrington Stanley in the public consciousness as the most famous non-league club in Britain (though not everyone remembers the ad - when a message appeared on Moosenet a few months ago recalling the famous 'Who are they?' line, someone promptly followed up with a detailed explanation of how they were a non-league club from Lancashire who had been in the Football League until overcome by financial disaster in 1962. Turn up the volume on your PC's speakers and you could hear the sound the words made as they whooshed over someone's head).

But anyway, enough. The point is, Accrington Stanley are coming to the Abbey - sorry, t'Abbey - and deserve a huge welcome, not least because they have not only one of the most famous names in football, but one of the best. I mean, Citys, Rovers, Wanderers and, indeed, Uniteds, are ten a penny, but Stanleys - unique! I have no idea who thought of naming them after a person, but top thinking!

Actually, Stanley - whoever he was - obviously got around a bit, as Newcastle United also started off life as Stanley (not even Newcastle Stanley, just, well, Stanley). All of which made me think we could extend the idea of giving people's names to a few other clubs. Here are some suggestions:

Peterboring Simpsons - dysfunctional group headed up by a brainless fat bloke

Arsenal J-Lo - well, they've always got a couple of big lads at the back

Leeds Jodie Marsh - on account of the Elland Road faithful's penchant for going topless

Newcastle Henman - make a lot of fuss every year without ever actually achieving anything

Manure House of Glazer (Main branch: Sold Trafford) - reflecting their commercial ambitions

Milton Keynes Franchise Jordan - let's face it, an artificial bunch of tits

Patrick Kielty Thistle - just really, really annoying (one for Scots readers there)

And, of course, Cambridge Del Boy - perpetually skint after the failure of another money-making scheme to materialise, but still hoping that this time next year we'll be millionaires.

I would have added Millwall Mitchells - East End thugs with annoying Cockney accents - but that would have been to cast an unwarranted slur on a fine group of people. The Mitchells.

And finally...
Last but absolutely, definitely not least: to everyone who did help save Cambridge United this summer - well done, and thank you. You are the true stars of the club.

And very finally
Don't forget, we love to get readers' contributions here at OTB, partly because we enjoy your feedback, partly because you send in some great stuff, but mainly because it saves me from having to think what to write each week.

So, if you have any comments, contributions, jokes, funny items, photos or any other footie-related items that would suit OTB, you can send them to cufcofftheball@aol.com - we look forward to being swamped!

Neil Cole

If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find them here

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