Welcome to the latest Off the Ball, which has had enough of World Cups.

Yep, we've had the Cricket World Cup Yawn-a-thon (Q. What's the definition of the cricket World Cup? A. It's a tournament played for two months, then Australia win), the cricket Twenty20 World Cup, the Rugby Union World Cup, the women's football World Cup... enough already, please!

And listen, while I'm in whinging mode, what is it with Radio 5 Live and their obsession with America? It's bad enough having to listen to completely boring 'and finally-type" stories from America on their news every day, but then there was their completely OTT coverage of Goldenballs and stick-insect and their attempt to conquer the States.

Every day before his arrival in LA, the presenters over here would ask their LA-based reporter whether Beckham-mania had overtaken America, and every day the answer would be a resounding no.

Until the day itself, when Radio 5 employed the cunning plan of not asking the reporter, but simply stated that America was awash with Beckham fever. And soccer mania, of course.

Now, I can forgive them using the word soccer because it's what the Americans call the game, and it's actually an English word anyway, but I can't forgive them their latest stray across the Atlantic.

One of their reporters, a senior one who should have known better, was talking about a Dutch team and referred to them as, wait for it, A Zee Alkmaar. Not A zed, A zee - admittedly he was sufficiently embarrassed to stop for a moment, doubtless thinking to himself "what have I just said?". But this really is too much. Before you know it we'll have Everton running out to the theme tune from Zee Cars! So let's get one thing clear, Radio 5, this is Britain, we play football, and we play it with a zed. Well, you know what I mean.

Tell you what, listen to Mark Johnson on BBC Radio Cambridgeshire instead.

The Bearded Wonders

So, Rafa Benitez has gone for the old goatee look this season. Actually, I do think it makes him look younger, but then since he previously looked ten years older than he is, it just cancels that out really. But does this herald the start of a revival in chin hair? Players have generally been a clean-shaven lot in the last two or three decades, but maybe the time is right to witness a comeback of the hairy brigade.

So with this in mind, OTB this month celebrates the more hirsute footballer, recalling some of the finest beards to grace the beautiful game. And we're not talking yer wussy David James-like bum fluff, oh no, these are proper Uncle Albert beards, the sort you'd find small birds, mice and possibly Michael Owen nesting in.

1 Sergio Batista. People claim the 1986 World Cup belonged to Maradona and his Hand of God. Rubbish. Argentina would never have got a sniff if it hadn't been for the midfield maestro, who remains to this day the only bearded player to win the World Cup.

2 And that's because team-mate Ricky Villa only had a moustache at the time - his chin-wig was still a year or two away, but who can forget the sight of it trapping flies as he beat one man, two men, three men, four men went to mow, um, I mean, beating three men before firing home the greatest goal in FA Cup final history?

3 And while we're on the subject of the 1978 World Cup, who could forget Archie Gemmill's wonder goal against the Netherlands that totally failed to stop Scotland crashing out in Round 1 as usual. The Scot would go on to sport a fine chin of hair.

4 Abel Xavier. A more recent example of a bearded player, for many years Xavier's origins were shrouded in mystery until it was finally revealed that he was, in fact, none other than Barney McGrew from Trumpton Fire Brigade, hiding behind a false name. He would have got away with it too, if it hadn't been for that pesky beard.

Abel Xavier, third from the left

5 George Best. What can you say? Did a footballer ever wear a beard more gracefully than George? No indeed, God rest him.

6 Alexei Lalas. US football star and guitarist with Zed Zed Top.

7 Peter Withe. It used to be said that Brian Clough didn't like beards on players (When striker Tony Woodcock turned up at training with one, claiming he was "trying to be different", Cloughie simply replied "Try to be different on Saturday and score a hat-trick). Somehow, though, Withe got away with it and became part of Clough's legendary success story at Nottingham Forest.

8 Olaf Melberg. Now you see it, now you don't, but when he does forget the old Gillette, Olaf is one of the few beardies in the modern game.

9 As is Djibril Cisse (above), whose cropped white hair-beard combo makes him look exactly like one of those stone carvings of bushmen you get cheap from laybys in South Africa.

10 Socrates - yes, the famous Brazil World Cup captain, one of the greatest midfielders of his generation, and, more recently, team mate of Lee Sharpe at Garforth Town sported a magnificent beard, usually with a bandana to get the girls from Ipanema swooning. Not to mention the girls from Garforth.

Socrates, who really let himself go after joining Garforth Town

11 Russel Beardsmore. Well, he probably did.

Do I Not Like that! The wit and wisdom of... Graham Taylor

Last month we looked at some of the brightest utterances of Kevin Keegan. This month we study the wisdom handed down by another former England manager, old Turnip himself.

- "It's the only way we can lose, irrespective of the result."
Bet we did lose though.

- "Very few of us have any idea whatsoever of what life is like living in a goldfish bowl, except, of course, those of us who are goldfish."
You can't argue with that, really, can you?

- "If it stays as it is, I can's see it altering."
Or with that, for that matter

- "If he opens his legs, he'll be hard to handle."
Can't think who he's referring to...

- "Footballers are no different from human beings."
Have you seen Wayne Rooney?

- "Hey! Hey! Tell your pal that he's just cost me my job."
To a linesman after the referee failed to send off Ronald Koeman in a World Cup qualifier

- "In football, time and space are the same thing".
Yes, that's right, 2-0 down, blame a rupture in the space-time continuum, everyone else does

- "Nothing that UEFA or FIFA do surprises me any more - I'm very surprised this has not been sorted out long in advance."
Not surprised to see this make the top 10.

- "There may have been a problem with the wall of two or two and a half players."
Taylor realises why he shouldn't have picked the lad Frodo Baggins for the big game…

- "Shearer could be at 100 percent fitness, but not peak fitness."
See, always looking for 110%

And finally...
Not a quote from Taylor, but about him, in an excellent letter from the rather splendid Viz comic:
"England have not won a game for three months. The fact that we have not played one is irrelevant. Graham Taylor should hang, and so should his successor."

Which pretty much sums up being England manager these days!

And that about wraps up OTB for this month. If you've any nominations for best beard, any favourite Colemanballs you'd like to see exposed to the public gaze once again, or any other suggestions for how on earth we can keep this up for a whole season, then email them to:
off_the_ball@hotmail.co.uk

Neil Cole

If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find the most recent ones here

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