Date: Tuesday, March 6th, 2007

Result: Altrincham 5 Cambridge United 0

THE JOURNEY

Departure Time: 2pm

Arrival at Ground: The usual M6 road works and a motorway busy with a seemingly endless supply of southern-based Liverpool fans heading for some European match made for a less than relaxing journey.

Once we reached Altrincham we noticed that almost every sign for a business had a letter missing. Police are looking for a 20-foot Carol Vorderman, last seen dishing out over-sized vowels and consonants... apparently!

We parked in the car park at the ground at about 5.45pm. I say 'car park', but the phrase 'urban wasteland' might be a more accurate description. A less than salubrious area, it was tucked between a post-apocalyptic landscape of decaying buildings and an area of allotments that were apparently being used to cultivate weeds. The litter that had been liberally strewn about the area was its tidiest feature.

Some of our group took a few moments to visit an extremely friendly corner shop near the ground. Although the young lady behind the counter was wearing a hijab, the newsstand beside her included 'The Jewish Chronicle' and when one of the group accidentally left something behind in the shop, she took the time and trouble to bring it over to the ground for him.

AT THE GROUND

The Ground: The only area of seats was a small stand that filled the centre section along one side of the ground. Although filled with fairly comfortable red plastic seats, the majority of the construct was wooden. A narrow, neglected press area was squeezed onto the back of this stand. Seemingly held together by a mixture of dust and wishful thinking, the press box was so rickety-rackety you half expected a troll to live underneath it. An end window had been broken and although stripy tape was called for to cordon off the area, Gil Grissom didn't turn up to investigate the 'crime scene'.

The press 'facilities' were shared with an extremely loud tannoy man who was more dismayed than we were to find that he had forgotten to bring the 'run out' music with him. We did offer to help him out with an a cappella version of 'Fanfare For The Common Man' but, unaccountably, he refused!

An extraordinary number of pillars, posts and pylons had somehow been fitted into the area between the pitch and the stand, making the view less than ideal; given the result, this may not have been a bad thing.

A covered area of terrace was to one side of this stand while open terracing was to the other, both of which looked in a reasonable state of repair.

Opposite, terracing had its back steps covered by roofing of three distinct heights, the lowest of which curved away to the right and led into another area of part-covered terrace behind a goal. The remaining end was an open terrace. Of course this was allocated to away fans.

United Fans: Started loud and finished loud - particularly after the fifth goal had been conceded.

View from Away End: No roof, so no obstruction to what proved to be a painfully good view.

Home Fans: Got as close as they could, given the segregation, to changing ends at half time. As the match wore on and the score line increased, Altrincham fans didn't seem sure whether they were euphoric or incredulous. Refreshingly, those we bumped into in the bar afterwards managed not to gloat.

Stewards: There was a large presence of steward! The other, more sylphlike stewards were more interested in their half time cup of tea than removing the young Alty fans from the United end of the ground.

Programme: £2 for 44 pages; this was another A5 production. Mainly black and white, with a high concentration of adverts and little to read other than an excellent - but unattributed (no, it wasn't me!) - 'From The Other Side' article.

Food/Drink: The hot chocolate and sausage baps (served separately!) were reasonably priced and received good comments from various tasters, while the catering at the chip shop over the road before the game was exceptional.

State of Toilets: Although they were better than Stafford - but so is an open sewer - the facilities at Altrincham left a lot to be desired. A simple trough, with no hand washing facilities in sight, at least it was less pungent than those at Marston Road. But if these facilities had been in a third world country there would have been a telethon to raise money to improve them.

AFTERWARDS

The Journey Home: The return trip was completely in keeping with the match. The traffic on the M6, which was still heavy - even at that time of night - was compounded by a series of speed restrictions around road works that cropped up with monotonous regularity. There was even a lane of the M6 Toll road coned off! Of course the A14 didn't want to feel left out, so it had a rash of road works too.

All in all an extremely tedious journey home at the end of a day that's probably best forgotten.

Mileage: 362.4 miles

Total Distance for Season: 4,541.9 miles

Mark Johnson, with additional reporting by David Gray, Sam Line, Steve Line and Gordon McMillan

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