Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano!

Born in '68 along with a twin bruv (Oh Deano)
Now he's getting quite plump and he's on to his fifteenth club (Oh Deano)

Grew up a Hammers fan but ended up in blue
He learned all the tricks in the Crazy Gang school
He managed a cap for England B
And bought a nice house way out in Tuscany

Bolton thought so much of him they paid three million
But missing an open goal in a Cup semi-final weren't fun
Then a certain Linsey Dawn McKenzie came to view
Being naughty on the bonnet of his BMW

Oh Deano! Oh Deano!

Deano regained face in charge of PFA (Oh Deano)
And some expert pontification for Sky (Oh Deano)

The crowds, they once hailed you and chanted your name
Now playing Stafford Rangers ain't quite the same
But although there's a bit more meat on your frame
You've still got enough skill to win us a game

Character and inspiration, please give us some
Our boys will feed you bullets, so please be the gun
If Jimmy's gamble works, we'll be no longer blue
And it'll be Deano's Bonkers Bunch who pull through

Oh Deano! Oh Deano!

Well, the New Year is two weeks old already and the transfer window is gaping wide open like Jade Goody's big mouth. JQ has consulted Strikers' Exchange & Mart and replaced Messrs Marum, Carey-Bertram and Gash with Wayne Purser and Dean Holdsworth. We all know Deano, United's oldest debutant since the classy Clive Wilson back in '99, and Purser's name is familiar because we have a club secretary with the same name.

But fret ye not, gentle reader, because we can easily distinguish between the two as our new goal poacher has a very distinctive middle name: Montague. Yes, we're really getting the Full Monty this time...

It has been twelve long days since United's last game at Kidderminster, following last week's typhoon-blast postponement of the Forest Green game (oh good, DCB will be able to play against us now). The new forwards replaced Robbie Simpson and Michael Gash, while there were two further changes in midfield where the suspended Jon Brady and injured Danny Brown gave way to Josh Simpson and Stephen Smith.

Another, sadly permanent, absentee was the recently retired Ritchie Hanlon, but some small consolation was the promotion to the first team squad of youth team enforcer Michael Hyem.

United had never met Stafford Rangers before; back in the U's Southern League days, Rangers were in the Northern Premier League alongside the likes of Wigan, Macclesfield, Boston and Morecambe. There have however been several players who have played for both clubs down the years, the frankly less-than-stellar list being, in descending order of competence, Martin Davies, the aforementioned DCB, 'Psycho' Michael Norbury, Devon White, Steve Mardenborough and Andy 'Who?' Lee. A glittering array of talent.

Of the current Stafford line-up, it was notable that two of their number were actually older than our Deano: 42-year-old striker Neil Grayson, previously a visitor to the Abbey with Northampton Town back in 1996, and 38-year-old midfield dynamo David Oldfield, who had previously graced the United lawns with no less than four clubs: Oxford, Peterborough, Stoke and Leicester.

Previously a long-established Conference club, Rangers bounced back to the non-League's top tier following promotion from Conf North last season, and they have so far kept their heads creditably above water with a team of big, strong lads who aren't afraid to get stuck in. Hey, we could do with some of those...

It was a cool, grey, drizzly day, although the Abbey pitch bore more than a hint of Bondi Beach with a substantial smattering of sand just below the surface which arose in a shower of orange granules every time a ball bounced upon it. Stafford's two-figure trickle contributed to a thin crowd of just over 2,000, pinpricks of black and white in an ocean of amber plastic.

Although United's formation was ostensibly a standard 4-4-2, it soon became apparent that Courtney Pitt, the only established wide man in the team, was playing almost as a third central midfielder, abandoning the left flank to full-back Jordan Collins as the mercurial number 11 was given licence to roam at will.

The only drawback was that it meant Josh Simpson, stationed on the opposite flank but much more comfortable in the centre, would have to stick to a more limited role wide.

It was one of Pitt's meandering runs which threatened to break the deadlock on 5, bursting into the box and seeming to be pretty clearly brought down by the flailing foot of Robin Gibson. However, ref Evans showed no interest in awarding a penalty, and continued in a similarly apathetic vein all afternoon.

Opening exchanges were rather less than sparkling as United struggled to impose themselves against a hard-working Rangers side which closed them down at every turn, and Holdsworth gave as good as he got against their twin towers at the back, Craig McAughtrie and skipper Wayne Daniel. The latter charged down a Smith blaster on 11.

The visitors responded with a hopeful long-ranger from Liam Murray on 16 which sailed into the South Stand, while two minutes later Rob Gier topped an adventurous run at the other end with a decent left-footed daisycutter, well clutched by keeper Danny Alcock. Oldfield nodded a Gibson cross over a minute later, then came another compelling penalty claim for the U's when Purser was shoved to the ground by Murray. One couldn't help the impression that a free-kick would have been awarded had the incident taken place anywhere else but in the box.

Thus far, most of Holdsworth's supply had consisted of hopeful high balls, but he displayed stylish touch and vision when he received the ball to feet on 26 and sent Pitt goalwards; but the wee man's right-footed shot was a weak and wide scuffer.

Four minutes later, with United on top if hardly exactly putting the visitors' goal under siege, came the moment the amber hordes were dreading: Stafford took the lead. It arose from a soft free-kick given against Andy Duncan on the edge of the area. Oldfield's kick smashed into the wall, Nathan Talbott's shot on the rebound was well stopped by Shane Herbert through a crowd of bodies, and when it squirmed from his grasp, the U's defenders could only stand and watch as Dolapo Olaoye poked home. 1-0.

Now United's failings were exposed in all their terrible beauty as surely as those of England's hapless, hopeless cricketers Down Under. Stafford, having used up their quota of shots on target, only had to sit back as the country's most impotent side huffed and puffed in an attempt to add to the two goals they had managed to score in their previous six games.

The most depressing aspect of United's play was its sheer lack of finesse and imagination. The midfield was to all intents and purposes bypassed as the back four lofted long ball after long ball in the vague direction of the two strikers. Holdsworth is decent in the air, but he would surely have loved to receive the ball to his feet to enable him to hold up play and bring his colleagues in with intelligent layoffs. And Purser, a much smaller snapper-up of half-chances, could only watch helplessly as it sailed over his head time and time again.

Pitt and Wolleaston essayed the odd forward run, but Smith looked out of touch and Simpson was hamstrung out on the right, unable to exert any influence, and as a result there was no service forthcoming to the forwards from either byline. And the long ball stuff just played into the hands of Rangers' gigantic back four.

United finally gained a corner a minute before the break, and Alcock did not look especially convincing as he flapped, then gathered at the second attempt. Unfortunately for the hosts, they did not have the wherewithal to examine him more searchingly.

Half-time, much shuffling of feet and discontented muttering. So far, so unsatisfactory.

The U's were back out early and started part two reasonably well, at least getting the ball goalward via various set pieces, and it was uncanny how every ball into the Stafford area seemed to find a blue shirt. Not quite as uncanny as the number of clubs who still want to sign Nigel 'Four Relegations' Quashie, of course; not even Arthur C. Clarke could explain that.

First yellow card of the day came on 49, Gibson clattering Gier with a hideous late challenge which the somnolent man in black didn't even see, handing out the booking on the say-so of his assistant on the Main Stand side. United continued to battle gamely if unsubtly, and they came closest to equalising on 55 through another exciting run and shot from Pitt, his low fizzer just tipped around the post by Alcock.

The aftermath provoked a furious row between fellow defenders McAughtrie and Richard Sutton, reminiscent of the heavyweight battle between 'Super' Paul Raynor and 'You'll Never Beat' Mick Heathcote back in the good old days. The ref had to take the two colleagues to one side for a quiet word to calm them down.

Wolleaston forced a save from Alcock on 62 after a rare passing move, proving they could do it when they wanted to, and the ensuing corner was fisted to the 'D' from which Smith blazed wildly over. Then Purser finally received the sort of service for which he had been crying out all day, a nice diagonal through ball from Smith, but he overran it and was robbed by McAughtrie.

With Stafford hanging on comfortably to their lead, JQ at last decided to make a change on 72 and went to 4-3-3 with Robbie Simpson replacing Josh. This at least gave United an extra player at whom they could 'aim' their hopeful hoofs, but hit'n'hope just does not cut it, even at Conference level.

A rare piece of proper wing play from Pitt on 79 produced a splendid low cross to the near post, food and drink to Purser who lunged in but was forced to poke wide by the intimate attentions of McAughtrie. Gier became United's only bookee a minute later for a fairly innocuous challenge on Gibson, to whom the flourishing of the yellow card seemed to act as a miracle cure.

Most unpleasant incident of the day came on 85 when Collins and Grayson went for a cross; Collins got a head to the ball closely followed by Grayson's flying boot in the face. A complete accident of course, but it was the end of the young left-back's afternoon as he departed on a stretcher, to sympathetic applause. Let's just hope he doesn't end up as toothless as United's attack.

Mark Peters came on, Morrison moving left, but the U's seemed devoid of genuinely creative ideas to break down Stafford's dogged resistance. They were given six added minutes but looked no more likely to score, and in fact might have been caught a few times on the break, Duncan blocking an Olaoye blaster before Peters, now helping out in attack, blazed over at the other end.

There was still time for another less than decisive punch by Alcock from Smith's corner, but once again there was no amber shirt in the right place to take advantage. Then it was all over. Stafford, having hardly mustered an attack worthy of the name, could scarcely have believed how easily they had plucked three points from their hosts' desperate grasp.

Fifth consecutive home defeat, seventh in the last eight. And ten home defeats before the middle of January is nothing short of an utter disgrace; we must be thankful that our half-decent away record is keeping us out of the bottom four (that, and the extra games we have played). But that is purely and simply relegation form with a capital R.

If today proved anything, it is that United's goalscoring problems are not so much down to the quality of their strikers, as to the woeful lack of quality in the supply to them. Even Drogba and Henry would have struggled to notch given the meagre pickings provided by the U's today.

And there must be a question mark against the management. Because if their idea of a team's main tactical plan is having the defenders hoof the ball over the midfield in the vague direction of two hapless strikers who are better with a ball to feet, then they may as well start giving those much-vaunted coaching badges away with packets of Cornflakes. Must. Do. Better.

More fresh blood needed? Well it looks like Beckham might be available on loan before he travels off to a Galaxy far, far away...

Player Ratings
Herbert 6. Little to do and let down by his defenders for the goal. Must improve his Dancing Shaunesque kicking, though.
Gier 6. Honest toiler as ever, caught out every now and then.
Morrison 7. Somewhere near his usual high standard.
Duncan 7. No-nonsense as we've come to expect.
Collins 7. Another cool, promising display, until horror injury.
J.Simpson 6. Wasted in a wide position but did his energetic best.
Wolleaston 6. Some decent foraging but our most experienced midfielder needs to show some leadership.
Smith 5. Very disappointing with far too many uncharacteristic sloppy passes.
Pitt 6. Tried to take on Stafford on his own at times and produced United's few thrilling moments.
Purser 5. A goal-poacher like Wayne thrives on service, and he got chronically little all match. United must play to their forward's strengths.
Holdsworth 7. A little weighty, yes, but more than compensated with his awareness and skill. Class endures.

R.Simpson 5. Struggled to make any impact.
Peters 5. Late, uneventful cameo.

Match Summary
The alarm bells are ringing as JQ's directionless hoofers subsided to another toothless, goalless flop against more hard-working but ordinary opposition. I don't know where that corner is, but we'd better turn it darned quick.

Man of the Match
Jordan Collins. Mature way beyond his years and looks capable of filling the left-back berth for years to come, whacks in the face permitting.

Ref Watch
Evans 3. Seemed to have a morbid fear of awarding penalties, judging by the fouls which he punished in every other part of the pitch other than the 18-yard box. And his point-blank ignoring of Pitt being shoved into the advertising hoardings was just bizarre. Afraid of making big decisions and slow to make most others.

Soundtrack of the Day
The Good The Bad And The Queen 'Kingdom Of Doom'

Andrew Bennett

Now talk about it on the message board!

Previous match reports:
U's 1-2 Burton
U's 0-1 Rushden & Diamonds
Histon 5-0 U's
Woking 0-1 U's
U's 0-2 St Albans
U's 1-3 Morecambe
U's 3-0 Gravesend
Grays 1-1 U's
Northwich 2-0 U's (FA Cup Qual)
U's 0-3 Oxford
U's 1-2 Crawley
U's 2-2 Altrincham
Burton 2-1 U's
U's 1-0 Stevenage
U's 1-1 Kidderminster
Forest Green 1-1 U's
U's 1-3 Exeter
Dagenham 2-0 U's
U's 1-2 Halifax
St Albans 1-1 U's
U's 0-1 Northwich Victoria

Pre-season match reports:
Histon 0-0 U's (3-4 on pens)
U's 1-3 Norwich
Fakenham 0-7 U's
Enfield FC 0-2 U's
Cambridge City 0-2 U's
U's 4-4 Ipswich
U's 0-4 West Ham
Bury Town 1-2 U's
Leyton 0-3 U's

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