Tuesday 26th December 2006 - U's 0-1 Rushden: Botching Day

Here at the Abbey we try to be mindful of the true meaning of Christmas at this time of year, despite all that the slingbacks and arrows of outrageous fortune might throw at us. So who better to convey the Alternative Match Report's festive message than United's Alternative Clergyperson, the Reverend Charvis Loames.

"Bless my soul, ladies and gentlemen, the Christmas period is in full swing and no mistake! Here at Dunswearin Vicarage, Mrs Loames has been busy baking mince pies for weeks for our festive bring and buy sale, and to be honest I haven't had the heart to tell her that it is customary to fill them with sweet mincemeat and not the minced beef variety. I'm sure they will provide someone with a very pleasant, not to say meaty surprise this Yuletide!

"This is of course the busiest time of year for those of us in the ecclesiastical game. I myself came to religion relatively late in life after a successful career in mulch. I still recall vividly my moment of epiphany, barely a year ago, whilst attending the United's FA Trophy tie at Dorchester. As the hosts' third goal rippled the net, I remember raising my fists to the sky and crying in my most stentorian tones 'Jesus Christ! God help us all!'

"Now I will be the first to admit that I was not in the most temperate of states, having imbibed what I might dare to call an 'unholy' mixture of Old Speckled Hen and Red Bull on a stomach which had remained empty since breakfast's black pudding and faggots. But a voice appeared in my head, as unequivocal and authoritative as James Alexander Gordon reading the football results, and it said unto me 'Charvis! If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Have faith in the Lord and He will empower you to spread his good word to the desperate, the fearful, the suicidal, the tearful, in fact all Cambridge United supporters.'

"I experienced a vision of the speaker's face, and He appeared to be something of a rum cove with a hairstyle that can only be described as 'informal' and more nasal hair than a badger. But I took Him at His word and was lucky enough to be accepted by the Church for an accelerated training course (I believe the FA operates something similar for its female officials, but that is another story!).

"Now as a fully qualified Community Support Vicar, I arise cheerfully in the morning, play some uplifting music such as 'Put On A Happy Face' by the Bukkakay Singers, and face the day knowing that not even hearing Barry Fry's voice on the radio can evoke the black moods that plagued me in my previous life.

"'But Charvis', I hear you say, 'How can any Cambridge United supporter be cheerful when their club seems to have sunk into the ninth circle of Hell?' Well, first of all it's Reverend Loames to you and don't you forget it! It was Bishop Justin Hawkins who once stated 'Out of The Darkness cometh light' and the night never seems so black as just before the dawn. In other words, things have become so bad that good times must be just around the corner!

"The Lord likes to test us, and if we come through with flying colours, we shall reap ample reward. Now I'm a reasonable chap, and so is my wife, and we can see that to be saddled with a team with all the collective backbone of an arthritic slug and the motivation of a depressed lemming can be somewhat dispiriting. But if suffering is good for the soul, you sporters of the black and amber must have the healthiest souls in non-League!

"Christmas is a time of giving and reflection. So we should all give thanks for our many blessings and reflect on those less fortunate than ourselves, such as Luke Guttridge, so poor that he cannot get into the worst team in the Championship, Justin Walker, who has found that demand from League clubs for lazy midfield poseurs with silly haircuts has petered out, Trevor Robinson, who is still coming to terms with the fact that he has about as much future as a professional footballer as Heather McCartney, and Shane Tudor, still plagued with all those terrible personality problems. God bless them all. And God bless us, every one. Merry Christmas!"

It has been ten days since The Match Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, and the club must be congratulated for finding eight action photos from it to put in today's programme, none of which showed That Team scoring a goal. Must have taken hours of searching.

Despite the bitter fallout from The Match Which Dare Etc, the additional fallout from too much mulled pie and minced wine yesterday, plus the presence of the ineffable 'Bedknobs And Broomsticks' on the telly, a decent crowd of exactly 3,000 gathered on a grey, chilly Boxing Day to witness United's first home game since December 2nd.

This season United's 'local derby' was against Rushden & Diamonds, the first time the sides had met since the U's last away game in the Football League two seasons ago when they earned a defiant 1-0 win on a hot summer's day. Now the clubs are back in the same division again and faring equally as mediocrely as each other. So much for progress.

The good news was that JQ had abandoned the cursed 3-5-2 to return to good old 4-4-2, with no less than six players culled from that which started The Match Which Etc Etc. Paul Crichton returned to goal in place of Shane Herbert while one old warhorse, Andy Duncan, replaced another in Mark Peters.

CRC captain Jordan Collins (pictured) came in for his first-team debut in place of the suspended Danny Brown at left-back, Josh Simpson depped for Ritchie Hanlon (out through injury, not indigestion), Michael Gash replaced Danny Carey-Bertram up front, and Rob Gier's long-awaited return at right-back against his old club meant Stephen Smith dropped to the bench.

United's managerial Boxing Day opponent was the same as last year's, that nice Graham Westley having left Stevenage and now looking forward to his first game in charge of the Diamonds. His team sported a number of grizzled old pros in the likes of Chris Hope, Wayne Hatswell, Dave Savage and Michael Rankine, plus ex-U Daniel Chillingworth, still remembered fondly for his spectacular December 26th winner against Brentford at the Abbey all of five years ago. Another more recent former U, Ben Sedgemore, was on the Rushden bench.

The first thing that the amber hordes wanted to see from their team after The Match Etc was a degree of resolve, attitude and determination. OK, three things, then. And the early signs were promising as United enjoyed much the better of the opening exchanges with energy and vigour. The front two roamed enthusiastically, the four-man midfield was busy and the defence uncompromising.

The only thing lacking was a significant goal attempt, and in fact the first worthwhile effort at goal came from the visitors on 10 when Rankine flashed across the face from the edge of the area. There was no shortage of crosses from the United wide men, or indeed the full-backs, of whom Gier was enjoying a typically tough-tackling return while Collins was settling in well, but a defensive head or keeper Scott Tynan's grasping hands would invariably reach the ball before any in an amber shirt.

It was an energetic and committed encounter, as you would expect from a team being shouted at by Mr Westley, but there was no malice therein. First booking, however, came on 19 for Diamonds' Paul Watson after he fouled Robbie Simpson.

United finally managed a goal attempt of sorts a minute later, Gash's nod from a long Collins cross finding Tynan's gloves. Another ball from the rookie full-back created a corner on 22 but although Courtney Pitt found Duncan's noggin, he could not keep his header under the crossbar.

The hosts' pressure began to mount as the half hour mark approached, crosses raining in from all angles (maybe they learned something from The Etc). Jon Brady found Michael Morrison's head on 28, but Tynan was there again, then Pitt's tempting ball over the top was prodded home by a lunging Gash, but he was overruled by the offside flag. A series of corners followed, but United just could not get that vital touch, and one sensed that surely they had to score now while they were on top, or they would live to regret the consequences.

A cutting Diamonds breakaway on 34 produced a Watson free-kick which was headed over by Chillingworth, and five minutes later the hosts infuriated their followers by wasting a free-kick in a good position out on the left:

Brady knocked it sideways to Rob Wolleaston, who fiddled and faddled about instead of shooting, and suddenly he was dispossessed and the visitors were breaking again, four on three. It was halted when Brady felled Simeon Jackson from behind to notch United's first card of the day.

There was no doubt that United had enjoyed the lion's share of possession and pressure during the first half, but they were empty-pawed lions in need of radical dental surgery, and their lack of bite was to cost them dear in the last minute of the 45. And what a time to let in a dismally soggy Christmas pudding of a goal.

Marcus Kelly curled a corner in from the right, Crichton flailed and flapped like a fey flamingo, and the ball swung past him and everybody else in the jostling six-yard box to fly directly into goal at the unguarded far post. 1-0.

A match which had thus far looked to have 0-0 written through it like a stick of Clacton rock suddenly yielded a half-time lead to a team which certainly did not deserve it. Westley must have been delighted; the amber hordes were deflated like their Christmas stocking's novelty whoopee cushion. Splat.

The interval's Golden Gamble announcer took the opportunity to propose to his girlfriend (marriage, that is) and under no pressure at all she said yes, so at least somebody had something to remember from what had so far been a grey and fairly forgettable day. But hey, at least we weren't queuing up for sofa bargains in a sale at the urging of the former bassist in Spandau Ballet.

United were out first for part two and took the game to Diamonds like they had at the start of part one. An early spot of pinball in the visitors' area was started by a Brady free-kick, Josh Simpson seeing a blaster blocked, and another set piece from JB on 49 found Duncan at the far post who nodded inside to Gash, but his header lacked sufficient power to trouble Tynan's welcoming arms.

It was only seven minutes into the half when the first change was made, Wolleaston withdrawn after another underwhelming showing in favour of Stephen Smith. Hatswell became the visitors' second bookee two minutes later for a word out of turn. I wonder which one it was.

Smith fired for goal a minute later but pulled his shot well wide as another little spell of pressure ensued for United, but still with no end product. Up the other end Savage blazed well over on the hour as he latched onto a Duncan clearance, then Rankine received the next yellow for bundling Crichton to the deck as he headed the ball into the net. He would have been awarded a goal fifty years ago. Isn't that right, Grandad? No, 'Bridge On The River Kwai' isn't on this year. Or 'Where Eagles Dare'.

Smith picked up United's second booking on 65 for a foul on Kelly, and two minutes later came the visitors' first sub, Jackson withdrawn in favour of Curtis Woodhouse, ex-Boro man who had given up football to take up a boxing career but has obviously had second thoughts. Kelly tested Crichton from 25 yards on 68 but he gathered at the second attempt after it bounced off his chest.

A minute later Brady picked out Gash with a right-wing cross, but although his downward nod was on target, it again lacked the power to evade Tynan's gloves. With Diamonds already slowing proceedings down and wasting time wherever they could, JQ introduced Liam Marum on 70 for Robbie Simpson, but next United player to have a shot was Morrison on 76, high, wide and about as handsome as a Shane MacGowan grin.

Brady sent a free-kick over the wall on 78 from just outside the box, but Tynan again gathered comfortably, and one could sense that the contest was slipping out of United's fingers as surely as the last spoonful of brandy butter. Savage fired wide and Chillingworth sent a low fizzer into Crichton's arms while Smith blazed desperately over for United on 86. Time was running out, although at least the amber hordes had remained in place on this occasion, unlike... well, you know.

Tyrone Berry replaced Chillingworth on 87, Carey-Bertram came on for Gash and a remarkable five minutes' added time was indicated; but United could not muster any serious passing movement and Diamonds ran the clock down cannily. They almost conned their way to a second when they took a short corner then instead of keeping it near the D, Glenn Wilson hared for goal along the byline and fired across the six-yard box, but no-one from either side could reach to poke home or clear.

Even Crichton joined the throng in the Rushden box for United's final corner, but it was too little, too late, and the hosts' time was up.

United did not play badly, and did not deserve to lose, although they did not merit a win either. But although the effort was there, the quality in the final third was conspicuous by its absence. And that will be much harder to instil into this underachieving team than getting them to just roll their sleeves up and get stuck in. Good luck, JQ.

Player Ratings
Crichton 4. Reasonably solid but questions must be asked of him regarding the winning goal.
Gier 6. Wholehearted as ever, if a little ring-rusty.
Morrison 6. Competent effort.
Duncan 6. Getting back to his old assertive self.
Collins 6. Extremely creditable debut.
Brady 6. No lacking in effort but his crosses came to nought.
Wolleaston 5. Another disappointing performance.
J.Simpson 5. Some good touches, although needs more to stay in the team.
Pitt 5. The odd decent cross, otherwise thoroughly underwhelming.
Gash 5. The lad's a trier, but it remains to be seen whether he is a goalscorer.
R.Simpson 5. Not firing on all cylinders today.

Smith 5. Got involved but unable to provide that special touch that might have created an equaliser.
Marum 4. Never really got going.
Carey-Bertram 4. Too late to have any impact.

Match Summary
The performance was better but the quality was not, as toothless United were undone by a fluke goal that they could find no way of pulling back. It's going to be a long, hard winter.

Man of the Match
Jordan Collins. A calm, assured league debut from the youngest player on the pitch and captain of our outstanding youth team, which promised well for the future.

Ref Watch
Kinseley 7. A little over-fussy on occasion, but mostly ran the game smoothly and decisively. One of the better ones this season.

Soundtrack of the Day
Mike Mills & Sally Ellyson 'Jesus Christ'

Andrew Bennett

Now talk about it on the message board!

Previous match reports:
Histon 5-0 U's
Woking 0-1 U's
U's 0-2 St Albans
U's 1-3 Morecambe
U's 3-0 Gravesend
Grays 1-1 U's
Northwich 2-0 U's (FA Cup Qual)
U's 0-3 Oxford
U's 1-2 Crawley
U's 2-2 Altrincham
Burton 2-1 U's
U's 1-0 Stevenage
U's 1-1 Kidderminster
Forest Green 1-1 U's
U's 1-3 Exeter
Dagenham 2-0 U's
U's 1-2 Halifax
St Albans 1-1 U's
U's 0-1 Northwich Victoria

Pre-season match reports:
Histon 0-0 U's (3-4 on pens)
U's 1-3 Norwich
Fakenham 0-7 U's
Enfield FC 0-2 U's
Cambridge City 0-2 U's
U's 4-4 Ipswich
U's 0-4 West Ham
Bury Town 1-2 U's
Leyton 0-3 U's

The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.