Saturday 16th December 2006 - Histon 5-0 U's: Bridge of sighs

In the run-up to Monday's Carol Concert at the Abbey, it is instructive to remember that not all carols are joyous and celebratory. Some are, in fact, positively tragic...

In the bleak midseason, U's fans they made moan
Up the road at Histon, they sank like a stone
Goals had flown in, goal on goal, goal on goal
In the bleak midseason, there was woe.

Long throws, we cannot stop them, nor crosses sustain
Pride and passion fled away on that fateful day
In the bleak midseason U's fans paid the price
Crying "God Almighty!" and "Jesus Christ!"

Not far off three thousand may have gathered there
But "What a load of rubbish" was the song that thronged the air
The home supporters only enjoyed Trophy bliss
While the U's fans saw their team just take the p***

What hope can they give us, if they give a damn?
After such a bad day, lain down like a lamb
We are still supporters, we will play our part
Of what do we ask them? Show us some heart.

Local derbies, eh? For most supporters, that means a history of encounters with our chums from the whiffier end of the county, with the score of 5-1 writ large in the memory. For fans of a more mature vintage, our regular Sixties meetings with City were a frequent highlight.

Last season's matches with Stevenage simply did not compare, no matter how loathsome their manager was. So in many ways, today's FA Trophy contest with the upwardly mobile villagers from the other side of the A14 was something of a return to the old days, with local pride very much at stake.

For some, though, it was difficult to countenance a truly competitive rivalry with a club with which the U's had not shared a division since the Cambs League of 1945-46 and had seemed left long behind by United's rise to the Football League (ah, memories... seems like decades ago now, doesn't it?).

But the tables do not lie, and Histon, surely one of the major successes of non-League football of the last ten years, now stand only nine places below their previously more illustrious rivals in the Pyramid. That success is due in no small part to two former Abbey legends. Steve Fallon has managed the Stutes up from the Eastern Counties League, but is still remembered with affection at United for the goal that won promotion to Division Two against Exeter City in 1978 and for a career that would have yielded a U's all-time appearance record had it not been cut short by injury at the age of 29.

His coach is of course the enigmatic General John Beck, the most successful manager ever at the Abbey, more grey of hair and rotund of girth these days, but still a master of tactical acumen. And genial PR manager Graham Eales is also recalled by many with fondness for his cheery and tireless work in a similar capacity at the Abbey.

But now they are rivals, for support, for sponsorship, and for honours. Today was the clubs' first meeting in a national competition since Histon Institute defeated Abbey United 2-0 in the FA Amateur Cup in October 1948, although it was United's second visit to the Glass World Stadium at Bridge Road, Impington this season after their win on penalties to capture the Cambs Professional Cup back in July. Who said we never have cup runs any more...?

Histon's home has changed much over the last few years as they rose through the leagues, and it now boasts hard standing and cover on all four sides, with more expansion to come when the Cambs FA move in next year. It is still minuscule by Conference standards, though, with only one narrow entrance and a car park too small to accommodate any away supporters. But hey, if St Albans' quaint Victorian museum is up to scratch, they can have no worries.

After last week's win at Woking, JQ saw no reason to change personnel so the same wing-back formation lined up, with even the five subs remaining the same. The hosts' line-up included several players who have remained in their team during their rise through the divisions, such as record goalscorer Neil Kennedy, creative hub and long-throw specialist Adie Cambridge and skipper Jamie Barker, plus big-boned 39-year-old keeper Lance Key and Antonio Murray, son of another Abbey great, Jamie.

The gates opened at 11.30 for the 1 o'clock kick-off and the section allocated to the amber army soon began to fill up, armed with their ammunition of a storm cloud of amber and black balloons and several skipfuls of shredded Yellow Pages. It was a beautifully crisp, clear winter's day with a sky of clearest blue and the whole occasion soon attained an almost dream-like sense of unreality, totally unlike a conventional matchday at some nondescript venue like Dagenham or Stevenage.

The Histon end was noticeably less crowded than that of the amber hordes and the attendance was eventually revealed to be some 200 short of the 3,009 capacity. Demand for this very local war had evidently been satisfied, as confirmed by the presence of one lone cheapskate standing on the hill overlooking the ground, accompanied by a yellow-jacketed policeman. This number did increase to three in the second half, though.

The teams emerged to the unexpected strains of the 'X-Factor' theme, just about audible through the tinny PA, to a sea of black'n'amber paper and plastic, and the United players will have noted that the muddy, uneven surface was nowhere near the carpet-like greenery provided by Ian Darler's team at the Abbey. Oh dear, we thought, how can they play their normal brand of silky passing football on such a surface? Then we remembered that this lot couldn't play silky passing football even if they tried, so the panic was over.

JQ has been talking recently about playing a more direct style of football and introduced Stephen Smith into the team, utilising his useful long throw. Spookily enough, these are the sort of tactics that Histon have been utilising with great success for several years now, allying Fallon's favoured high-tempo passing style to Beck's set-play acumen to deliver quality balls into the box via throw and kick as often as possible whilst harrying the opposition into conceding possession and free-kicks.

True to form, it was the hosts who started the better, pinning United into their own half. The wing-backs, like in the first half at Woking, were restricted to defensive duties against wide men John Kennedy and Nathaniel Knight-Percival, the man with the poshest name in football since Southampton's Forbes Phillipson-Masters back in the 1970s, while the willing running down the channels of strikers Neil Kennedy and Barker kept the three centre-backs more than occupied, with Adie Cambridge pulling the strings from midfield.

United struggled to get a foothold in the game, the likes of Rob Wolleaston seeming to interpret Quinn's long-ball message so literally as to just punt the ball blindly upfield instead of actually trying to find a team-mate with any sort of accuracy.

Such shoddy service left strikers Robbie Simpson and Danny Carey-Bertram with very little to work on and, as a result of forward passes simply handing possession back to Histon, United were almost permanently on the back foot in the early stages.

The hosts were also crisper in the tackle and quick to close their opponents down, and some early dwelling on the ball by Danny Brown almost cost him dear when he was dispossessed on the edge of the area. The danger signs were already flashing more disturbingly than Jade Goody in a grubby mac. And there was a depressing inevitability to Histon's first goal in the 12th minute.

Another penetrating ball over the top sent Neil Kennedy through down the right. Making it to the byline unchallenged, he looked up and whipped over a perfect cross for Knight-Percival to rise and head home over a static defence and past a helpless Shane Herbert for the simplest of strikes: 1-0.

There were a few cheers from one end, but most of the ground fell eerily quiet as that air of unreality became even more, well, unreal. United created a decent chance for an equaliser within a couple of minutes, Smith's ball sending DCB away clear down the left channel, but with no defender near him he chose to shoot early from the edge of the box and his effort flew underwhelmingly wide.

This was a rare opening, however, as the U's midfield spluttered like Del-boy's three-wheeler, and it was clear that Histon were the better organised team as they hustled and probed tirelessly. As at Woking, United struggled to win any balls in the air and with the hosts' prowess at set pieces this was ominous indeed. Barker nodded wide on 19 through a crowded area and the same man almost created another goal for Knight-Percival on 22, Jon Brady just getting back and ahead of the young winger to head clear for a corner six yards out.

The ensuing flag-kick was cleared unconvincingly and found Cambridge 25 yards out, whose fizzing half-volley flew narrowly the wrong side of the upright. Histon's harrying was evident again five minutes later when Herbert's attempted clearance was blocked by a jumping Barker, while Ritchie Hanlon was urged to shoot at the other end but took far too long to control the ball and was closed down before he could get a shot away.

The big (bottomed) man had more luck just after the half-hour but his blaster pinged wide of the far post. Key was finally compelled to make a save on 34 when Michael Morrison sent a header goalbound from Brady's corner, and when his block rebounded to Smith it was prodded agonisingly wide.

At least now United were making a fight of it, finally realising that if they didn't match Histon for effort and commitment they were done for, and first yellow card of the day came on 39 to Danny Brown for a foul on Murray. One throwback to the 1970s in the United end threw a couple of toilet rolls onto the pitch and a stern warning sounded out over the PA for people to stop throwing 'missiles'. Who needs WMDs when you've got a stockpile of bog roll, eh?

There was little further incident before half-time and the U's players left the pitch with a chorus of low boos ringing in their ears. This wasn't good enough and one suspects that JQ's hairdryer had been on 'charge' ever since Histon had taken their deserved lead.

The interval was enlivened by a mini-crossbar challenge between rival supporters, which United won on a tiebreak after a predictable 0-0 draw, and we could only hope that this was a portent of things to come. We should have gone home there and then because that's as good as it would get.

Changes were needed and apparently JQ would have liked to have been able to make much more than the two he did make for part two.

Liam Marum (right) replaced the anonymous DCB and Andy Duncan, who lives just round the corner from the ground, came on for Hanlon with Brown pushed further forward.

For a few brief minutes the U's looked like a team refreshed, the front two getting stuck in with determination and menace, but they were undone again on 51. Once more it was a Cambridge long throw which was the catalyst, United failing to deal with it, Matt Langston nodding on and that man Knight-Percival popped up at the far post to rifle past Herbert as the defence played statues again. Stutes 2, Statues 0.

The amber hordes' mood began to turn uglier than a Harry Redknapp close-up, particularly because far from acting as a catalyst for a battling comeback for the visitors, Histon simply kept up the pressure with United's midfield impotent spectators while their part-time hosts ran rings around them.

Mark Peters picked up booking number two on 54 for bringing down Barker and more shoddy defending from the ensuing Cambridge free-kick saw Matt Mitchell-King ghost into the box undetected, but he headed a good chance wide. A minute later Neil Kennedy evaded more feeble tackling to slide an inviting ball across the six-yard box, but an unmarked Knight-Percival just failed to make contact as he slid in towards the unguarded goal.

There was only one team in it now. Duncan picked up United's third booking on 65 and a minute later it really was all over. Once again it was Histon's quality of delivery which bore fruit as the visitors struggled to clear a couple of penetrating crosses, and it eventually fell to Barker, although the final touch was credited to Peters and the ball looped over Herbert. 3-0.

The Stutes were ecstatic, the U's were apoplectic, and this was the cue for several exasperated amber followers to walk out, while the rest started up the first of a regularly recurring chant of "What a load of rubbish!" Michael Gash replaced an injured Brady and United went to a rather desperate 4-3-3, but we didn't need a Lord Stevens inquiry to know that the game was up.

The visitors flailed desperately like they were sinking in quicksand while a confident Histon team continued to tease and torment like red-shirted matadors. On 76 United were undone yet again by a set piece as Cambridge flighted a free-kick from wide left to find Neil Kennedy storming in, criminally unmarked, to plant a firm running header past Herbert. 4-0.

Three minutes later embarrassment became humiliation. United lost possession once again in midfield and John Kennedy found Murray sprinting clear down the right channel without a marker in sight. Entering the box, he looked up and sent a cool finish low across Herbert into the far bottom corner. 5-0.

This was too much for one exasperated United supporter who entered the field of play to yell and gesture at the bench, which he was allowed to do for what seemed like ages until a policeman finally arrived to usher him away. It was a daft thing to do but entirely understandable in the circumstances and there was never any physical threat from the guy, who received empathetic cheers as he was led off.

The last ten minutes were not a pleasant experience for any United supporter, just as the exact opposite could doubtless be said for a Histonite. Many spent the time telling the players exactly what they thought of them, and any hint that the dispirited players would be heading towards the away end brought a renewed wave of the "rubbish" chant.

Last booking of the day on 86 was the first for the hosts, Murray for dissent after being penalised for a foul. Last two goal attempts came from Courtney Pitt, a shot on the turn just wide on 88 and an injury time free-kick that floated over the wall but was comfortably clutched by amiable keeper Key.

United fans had been streaming out of the ground since the fifth goal had gone in, but most stayed behind to vent their collective spleens at their team for a quite pitifully aimless, spiritless, hopeless display that had been a disgrace to the club; "You're not fit to wear the shirt" was a popular chant.

But they could still be generous in defeat. They even applauded Histon's fifth goal and reserved more sincere ovations at the end for Key, who had taken the banter about his figure with cheerful good grace, and for the whole Stutes team when they took a final bow for a fine victory.

Full credit, then, to Histon for a thoroughly deserved win for a team that looked good enough for the Conference on today's showing.

Brickbats by the bucketload, however, for dreadful United, not least from their manager who had no hesitation in agreeing with the fans' "rubbish" verdict. This just was not good enough, and frustratingly baffling given that this was the same team that won at Woking last week.

Quinn has made several correct calls about his players, particularly about the lack of 'winners' in the team, and their lack of character when the going gets tough. The question is, what is he going to do about it?

The whole future of the club depends on it. At the moment he is repeating too many of previous managers' mistakes, notably fiddling about with formations: getting a decent result with one system, then instantly changing it again when the next result doesn't go his way.

Talking to supporters after the game, not one of them could recall a worse occasion in decades of following the team. This was truly our darkest hour. Hopefully that means things can only get better, but we thought that when we were relegated from the League.

Now is the time to rally round and get behind the team, however little it might merit it, because now is their (and therefore our) time of greatest need. Even if they don't deserve better, we, the supporters, do. And the consequences of further failure are simply unthinkable. The only way is up. I hope.

Player Ratings
Herbert 4. Little he could do about most of the goals but this can't have done his confidence any good at all.
Morrison 3. "Nightmare" I think describes it best.
Peters 4. Not even his great experience could stop Histon's pinpoint balls into the box.
Brown 3. Totally unconvincing as a defender.
Brady 4. Some decent defensive covering but offered nothing going forward.
Smith 4. Swamped by superior opposition and let down by older colleagues.
Hanlon 2. Ponderous and out of touch.
Wolleaston 2. Difficult to decide which was worse: his 'tackling' or his 'passing'.
Pitt 3. As with Brady, too busy defending to engender any attacking threat until it was far too late.
Carey-Bertram 3. Wasted his few chances and deservedly withdrawn at half-time.
R.Simpson 5. Best of a wretched bunch, he never stopped giving his all but the service he received was woeful.

Duncan 3. A comeback to forget.
Marum 4. Came out with some credit for sheer effort, but couldn't manage any serious goal threat.
Gash 3. The match was dead before he came on and he made little impression.

Match Summary
Today was one of the lowest points in this club's long, proud history, as its supporters and tradition were insulted by a truly pathetic, gutless 'performance' by a bunch of charlatans masquerading as professional footballers. Shape up or ship out, lads, because this must never be allowed to happen again.

Man of the Match: You must be joking.

Ref Watch: Gibbs 5. Whistle-happy chappie who stopped play far too often for the flimsiest of reasons. Pity he didn't have the same powers as a boxing referee, then he could have stopped the match after an hour to save the United team and supporters from further punishment.

Soundtrack of the Day: Madness 'Embarrassment'

Andrew Bennett

Now talk about it on the message board!

Previous match reports:
Woking 0-1 U's
U's 0-2 St Albans
U's 1-3 Morecambe
U's 3-0 Gravesend
Grays 1-1 U's
Northwich 2-0 U's (FA Cup Qual)
U's 0-3 Oxford
U's 1-2 Crawley
U's 2-2 Altrincham
Burton 2-1 U's
U's 1-0 Stevenage
U's 1-1 Kidderminster
Forest Green 1-1 U's
U's 1-3 Exeter
Dagenham 2-0 U's
U's 1-2 Halifax
St Albans 1-1 U's
U's 0-1 Northwich Victoria

Pre-season match reports:
Histon 0-0 U's (3-4 on pens)
U's 1-3 Norwich
Fakenham 0-7 U's
Enfield FC 0-2 U's
Cambridge City 0-2 U's
U's 4-4 Ipswich
U's 0-4 West Ham
Bury Town 1-2 U's
Leyton 0-3 U's

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