Saturday 2nd December 2006 - U's 0-2 St Albans: I see red, people

Christmas is coming, Ritchie is getting fat, and there are less than three weeks to the second annual Cambridge United Carol Service on the hallowed grass of the Abbey. Time to warm up with some carol practice. Remember this one?

The Morecambe Lament

I saw three goals go sailing in
On Saturday, on Saturday
I saw three goals go sailing in
On Saturday, now I'm mourning.

And who did score those goals all three
On Saturday, on Saturday?
And who banged in those goals all three
On Saturday, to cause morning?

Oh, two were scored by Michael Twiss
On Saturday, on Saturday
The third by some bloke called Curtis
On Saturday, hence I'm mourning.

And were they good ones, those goals three
On Saturday, on Saturday?
And were they corkers, those goals three
On Saturday, causing mourning?

Oh, they were stonkers, every one
On Saturday, on Saturday
They drove us bonkers, every one
On Saturday, so we're mourning.

But was there consolation, though
On Saturday, on Saturday?
A cause for celebration, though
On Saturday, tho' you're mourning?

There was in the last minute, then
On Saturday, on Saturday
A Danny Carey-Bertram pen
On Saturday, but we're mourning.

But still the amber hordes do sing
On Saturday, on Saturday
Although their team's displays do ming
On Saturday, so stop yawning!

United's form is as wildly unpredictable as the weather these days, and as we moved into the midwinter month, an unseasonably mild and sunny day greeted the first-ever visit to the Abbey by the part-timers of St Albans City. The Saints have enjoyed an eventful debut season in the Conference so far, and although stationed around the relegation zone, they have picked up some decent results on the way and given a spirited account of themselves so far.

They brought with them three former sporters of the black and amber: Matty Hann, who got no further than the youth team; Dave Theobald, who endured a brief but torrid time in United's back line four seasons ago; and veteran keeper Paul Bastock, who last played at the Abbey for the U's on 30th August 1988 in a 2-1 League Cup defeat by Gillingham, although his most recent appearance at the Wembley of the Fens was in Boston United colours on 16th March 2004, when he kept a clean sheet in a 1-0 win for our quaint country cousins.

The hosts kept the same team that triumphed 2-1 at Southport last week, with the exception of the suspended Courtney Pitt, replaced by the fit-again Jon Brady. The Aussie wide man slotted in at wide left to leave Josh Simpson in the right-wing berth and David Bridges accompanying Rob Wolleaston in the centre. Andy Duncan and Ritchie Hanlon made welcome reappearances on the bench, but there was no room for a substitute goalkeeper. Well they're hardly ever needed, are they?

United's No.1, Paul Crichton, repeated his old trick of borrowing a supporter's cap when he discovered that the sun would be in his eyes at the start, at least the third time he has prevailed upon a fan this season. For goodness' sake, Santa, put one in his stocking with the satsumas, eh?

The visitors started like a team of starving whippets, full of hungry movement and running, while in stark contrast lethargic United looked as if they had enjoyed a pre-match meal of Polonium-210 butties. Within two minutes Ben Walshe took a quick free-kick halfway into the United half and found the opposition sleeping as Hann darted unchallenged down the left channel and somehow slid a lame shot wide of the near post with the goal at his mercy. Whither Messrs Bloomer, Simpson and co, no-one knew.

The U's responded with a Brady long-ranger which hit centre-back Gary Elphick, then their first corner culminated in a Michael Morrison header over the top. But defensively they looked very vulnerable, Matt Bloomer never entirely convincing as a full-back and Danny Brown exposed down the left where he received little cover from the out-of-position Brady.

St Albans' shooting was accurate if underpowered, Paul Crichton clutching an Elphick effort on 8, but a minute later the best chance so far fell to Brady, ghosting in onto Bloomer's high, looping cross to guide a subtle header over Bastock which the veteran custodian just managed to tip behind.

Up the other end the visitors had a dangerous outlet in nippy Bristol City loan signing Elliot Benyon, and he was next to test Crichton's gloves on 14. First booking came soon after, David Bridges unlucky to be carded for a fairly routine challenge on Ram Marwa by our old chum Amy Rayner. Elphick headed wide from a corner on the quarter hour and United showed no sign of awakening from their ennui-laden mood, a dreamy defence stationed behind a wooden midfield which provided little support to the neglected front men.

All of the pressure came from St Albans in their dinky all-blue strip with yellow sash and white side panels (perhaps that should be despite their dinky all-blue...) and after a couple of near-misses, crosses flashing across the area, the inevitable goal came on 22. Once again the danger came down the visitors' right, Lee Clarke wriggling past some somnolent defenders to set up Marwa with a low cross from the byline which his colleague at the near post prodded home off Crichton from close range. 1-0.

The fun just kept coming for United as Bridges fell awkwardly when hit on the legs by the ball and somehow ended up being stretchered off, Hanlon his replacement.

The hosts tried to respond, Rob Wolleaston latching onto a Theobald clearance on 27 but poking his low scudder wide from the D. And the U's really should have been level on the half hour.

Brady was the architect, crossing with perfect accuracy from the left with his right to find Marcus Richardson unmarked in the six-yard box. But with Bastock frozen in a relief of open-mouthed horror, the big No.9 somehow managed to head over the bar, to Bastock's relief and our horror.

Four minutes later Brown was harshly adjudged to have fouled the lively Hann in the corner of the box, but with an area full of jostling bodies like paparazzi waiting for Britney Spears to alight from a taxi, Walshe blazed it hopelessly into the car park.

Wolleaston rejoindered with a neat run from midfield which climaxed in a thunderous shot, blocked by Marwa, and Damian Batt fired wide at the other end two minutes later. United were still firing on about one and a half cylinders, however, and a 43rd-minute blaster from Benyon cannoned off Crichton's chest. In added time Danny Carey-Bertram took some time off from being caught offside to screw a shot wide, but his underachieving side was deservedly jeered from the pitch at the interval. Credit should however be apportioned to St Albans, an energetic and determined footballing side who had performed with great credit and deserved their lead.

Jimmy Quinn must have had the hairdryer on 'charge' ever since the St Albans goal, and his charges charged into second-half action with all the vigour of a Paul Collingwood cover drive. In the first minute of the second 45 Brady sent Richardson galloping down the left channel, and holding his marker off, he advanced right into the box before seeing his toe-poke turned aside for a corner while DCB enquired as to why he had not squared it to him.

United kept up the pressure and a minute later Wolleaston latched onto a looping aerial ball to fire narrowly wide of the far post from less than ten yards out. Clarke had a shot caught by Crichton on 51, but the hosts' electric start to part two promised much... until it all went pomegranate-shaped on 55.

It was a comedy of errors worthy of old Shakey himself. Marwa chased a through ball, Mark Peters' attempted clearance cannoned off his nearest colleague, Morrison, and it turned into a perfect pass for Benyon to scoot clear on goal with only Crichton to beat. He tried to wriggle around the United keeper, fell under his challenge, Ms Rayner looked on from ten yards away and showed no sign of whistling; then the linesman flagged, she glanced across, then awarded a penalty and a red card for Crichton. Which rather begged the question, why had she not given the pen when she first saw the incident with her own eyes rather than wait for the opinion of an assistant who was further away and less well positioned?

We will probably never know. Crichton became United's sixth dismissal of the season and the first for a keeper since Le Dieu du But Lionel Perez managed the feat twice in nine games back in 2001-02. You might have seen his replacement, Dancing Shaun Marshall, chuck one in for King's Lynn on Sky last night, bless him.

With no specialist replacement on the bench, Peters bravely donned the red jersey. Tom Davis fired the spot-kick unerringly into the top right corner but it was disallowed for encroachment; he repeated the trick for the retake. 2-0.

From panto to farce. United stayed positive, playing 3-4-2, but if any of them seriously believed the contest was all but over, they were kidding themselves. DCB had a shot blocked by Chris Seeby on 62, but Benyon came nearer when he shaved the post three minutes later. Brady sent a free-kick into Bastock's ample arms on 67 from the edge of the box, then the visitors broke away again and Walshe set up Hann for a close-range blaster at the far post which Peters did very well to block. Hann clattered the stand-in keeper cynically in following up but that apparently did not merit a yellow card.

JQ made a long-overdue change on 70, sending on Liam Marum and a head-bandaged Robbie Simpson in place of Richardson and Brady, who had not managed a single cross with his left foot all day, and the formation became more of a 3-3-3. The two new boys got stuck in with pace and determination.

More neat inter-passing from St Albans carved another opening for Marwa on 72, but with the goal at his mercy Peters spread himself and blocked a la Peter Schmeichel albeit without the Rudolphesque conk.

After several fouls worse than that for which Bridges had been booked, St Albans finally picked up a yellow card on 73 for that most heinous of crimes, kicking the ball away, Theobald the recipient. The hosts continued to pile forward, but in truth offered little threat to Bastock's goal, Hanlon finally causing him some worry on 82 when a characteristic bomb was deflected narrowly wide of the far post.

Josh Simpson saw yellow on 84 for a clumsy challenge on Benyon but Peters was equal to the free-kick with an unequivocal punch clear. It was all over bar the groaning, however, and the visitors wasted the last few minutes in pointless substitutions as Lee Flynn and Magnus Okuonghae replaced Walshe and Marwa. Then the torture was mercifully all over.

JQ must wonder what on Earth he has got himself into here, although recent remarks about rollercoasters and wondering which Cambridge United will turn up show that he is at least aware of this squad's infuriating inconsistency, who seem to follow every good performance with one of utter abjectivity. The amber hordes must hope that he can solve a problem that his predecessors could not. There are some things that even Father Christmas cannot fit into his sack.

Player Ratings
Crichton 6. Let down by some unconvincing defending in front of him.
Bloomer 5. Honest as the day is long but lacks a full-back's positional sense.
Morrison 6. Did not have a game to get the scouts salivating.
Peters 7. A stand-in keeper to rival the legendary Wannie.
Brown 5. Nothing special, although received little help down the left from the out-of-position Brady.
J.Simpson 6. Lively youngster was the best of a poor bunch in midfield.
Bridges 5. Didn't start badly but only lasted 25 minutes.
Wolleaston 6. Had his moments, just not enough of them.
Brady 5. Good to see him back but a mistake to play him wide left; his need to cut inside onto his stronger foot made him ponderous and predictable.
Carey-Bertram 5. Hardly received the best of service, but he didn't need a marker when he couldn't even outwit the offside flag.
Richardson 5. One coruscating run aside, strove manfully with little result.

Hanlon 5. Had his moments, but even less of them than Wolleaston.
R.Simpson 6. Made a decent impression, but the game was already up.
Marum 5. Put himself about, although looked ring-rusty.

Match Summary
The panto season arrived early in Cambridge as a performance of slapstick proportions handed three easy points to the part-timers of St Albans. Chances of the play-offs? They're behind you...

Man of the Match
Mark Peters. The team's best defender and, when it came to the crunch, a fine and spirited goalkeeper to boot. If only all of the squad had his character.

Ref Watch
Rayner 5. Mike Newell's favourite official had a frustratingly inconsistent afternoon, booking and lecturing United players for run-of-the-mill fouls then letting the opposition off without either for similar transgressions. And the events that led to the penalty decision need some explaining. In truth she is no worse than most of the refs at this level; unfortunately, that is no praise at all. But she didn't cost United the game. They managed to mess that up all by themselves.

Soundtrack of the Day
Electric Soft Parade "Life In The Back Seat"

Andrew Bennett

Now talk about it on the message board!

Previous match reports:
U's 1-3 Morecambe
U's 3-0 Gravesend
Grays 1-1 U's
Northwich 2-0 U's (FA Cup Qual)
U's 0-3 Oxford
U's 1-2 Crawley
U's 2-2 Altrincham
Burton 2-1 U's
U's 1-0 Stevenage
U's 1-1 Kidderminster
Forest Green 1-1 U's
U's 1-3 Exeter
Dagenham 2-0 U's
U's 1-2 Halifax
St Albans 1-1 U's
U's 0-1 Northwich Victoria

Pre-season match reports:
Histon 0-0 U's (3-4 on pens)
U's 1-3 Norwich
Fakenham 0-7 U's
Enfield FC 0-2 U's
Cambridge City 0-2 U's
U's 4-4 Ipswich
U's 0-4 West Ham
Bury Town 1-2 U's
Leyton 0-3 U's

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