Saturday 18th November 2006 - U's 1-3 Morecambe: Twiss & Bust

Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone
But he's been gone for some time
Why won't he show us the plans
That he's promised are so fine?

"It's my Abbey
And I'll sulk if I want to
Sulk if I want to
Sulk if I want to
You would sulk, too
If it happened to you!"

Playing his game, he knows he'll be all right
His answerphone stays on the dial
'Til Johnny's talking to us
We've got no reason to smile

"It's my Abbey
And I'll smirk if I want to
Smirk if I want to
Smirk if I want to
You would smirk, too
If it happened to you!"

Stevie and Johnny just walked through the door
Documents under their wing
Oh, what a ghastly surprise
More conditions they bring

"It's my Abbey
And I'll laugh if I want to
Laugh if I want to
Laugh if I want to
We'll laugh for two
'Cause it's happened to you!"

They say the sun shines on the righteous, and it was a gloriously sunny day at the Abbey on Saturday, tempered only by a chilly wind which doubtless blew in from Suffolk where certain property developers sat counting their pieces of silver.

The South Stand was packed with United youngsters and their families for the visit of Morecambe (or 'Morcambe' as the fixture board at the front of the Abbey stated - you can't get the staff), boosting the crowd to well over 3,000 after the visitors' minuscule band of around 70 intrepid supporters took their places.

JQ unsurprisingly made no changes from the side which defeated Gravesend so comprehensively, save for the absence of Robbie Simpson through the head injury which he picked up then, so Marcus Richardson retained his place after replacing Robbie so effectively. The Shrimps arrived on the back of a run of six wins in eight games and, although behind Gravesend in the table, this promised to be a much stiffer test for the boys in black and amber.

The game got off to a lively start, Courtney Pitt producing a promising early run and cross which was headed clear by visiting skipper Jim Bentley, and on 3 Danny Brown waded into a crowded box with a spectacular scissors kick that flew just over the bar.

Morecambe responded with some neat possession football and Michael Morrison picked up the first yellow card of the day on 6 when he pulled back the diminutive, be-mulleted David Perkins, who resembled Steve Spriggs in an Alan Biley wig, when the midfield dynamo looked like bursting clear down the middle.

At the other end Richardson had made an impressive start despite being marked by one of the Conference's best young defenders in Chris 'Jesus' Blackburn, still with ponytail but looking less Messianic now that he has shaved off his lank beard.

On 8 the two clashed in a heavyweight contest that was won by the United no.9, who held off his marker and sent Pitt away with a skilful flick, but his cross was cleared for a corner which was defended well by the visitors.

United continued to give as good as they got and on 13 Michael Gash did well to skip past two tackles on a mazy run which culminated in an accurate but underpowered shot which was comfortably gathered by keeper Steven Drench. Within a couple of minutes the visitors were in front.

It all happened so quickly. One second Michael Twiss was in possession wide on the left near the halfway line; next, he had raced forward, played a one-two with Adriano Rigoglioso, sped past some pretty feeble challenges and cut in towards goal before lashing an unstoppable shot high into the roof of the helpless Paul Crichton's net before he could move. Stunner: 1-0.

Twiss was stopped from doubling his tally within a minute by a stretching Andy Duncan, and although United were still competing spiritedly, they were being closed down all over the park by a hyperactive Morecambe side which seemed to be winning the majority of 50-50 balls.

Gash found Richardson on 19 with his back to goal on the penalty spot, and he laid it off intelligently to Ritchie Hanlon whose shot was on target but lacked the pace to trouble Drench. Richardson, working tirelessly but not always with adequate support, shot himself next minute (no, not like Kurt Cobain) but was blocked by Bentley.

The portents did not look promising for United; defending their lead, Morecambe looked more firmly entrenched than Mike Newell's views on the fairer sex, denying their hosts time and space while looking dangerous on the break, and it was all too clear that they were a far more difficult proposition than Gravesend.

United plugged away, however, Hanlon seeing a shot charged down by Blackburn on 29, while three minutes later Richardson did tremendously well to turn his marker and charge for goal from wide, finally being blocked off for a corner at the edge of the six yard box. Duncan was penalised for a foul when jumping for a header from the ensuing flag-kick by a referee who seemed intent on stamping out any challenge which involved one player coming within two feet of another.

The visitors responded with a Garry Thompson shot over on 34, and six minutes later a speculative Twiss cross from the left bounced off the top of the bar. A fine cross from Pitt on 42 was curling towards Richardson's head before Blackburn just beat him to it, but ref Tomlinson myopically awarded a goal-kick.

Matt Bloomer essayed a long-range effort on 44 which flew wide, then Richardson set up David Bridges with characteristic strength but once again the United player's shot was underhit. Last chance of the half fell to Twiss, but he was further off target than Michael Jackson's attempt at a comeback.

United had not played badly, but had not been allowed to play especially well by one of the most impressive visiting teams this season. Richardson had been far and away their best performer, but too many others had played only in fits and starts and the big man needed much more support from deep. They would have to raise their game considerably if anything was to be salvaged from part two.

Spurning your correspondent's suggestion that United replace Bridges with Liam Marum and attack Morecambe in a 4-3-3, both teams emerged unchanged and the hosts started pretty well. Bloomer saw an early shot blocked by that man Blackburn, and he did it again on 54 to Richardson. Next minute an intelligent ball into the area by Hanlon found Gash losing his marker, but he used his hand in controlling the ball before his shot was smothered by Drench.

Duncan was next into the book on 57 for a foul on Thompson. The ensuing free-kick was driven low goalwards from thirty yards by Rigoglioso, and a slight deflection sent it arrowing for the bottom corner until superbly tipped round by Crichton.

Two minutes later came the clincher. A short corner routine resulted in Rigoglioso crossing unchallenged to find Wayne Curtis getting across his marker in a crowded box to nod over his own shoulder and into the far top corner. 2-0.

Morecambe celebrated like they had just won the World Cup for some reason, and bizarrely it was not the goalscorer but Blackburn who got himself booked for over-celebrating. I bet parties are fun when Mr Tomlinson is around: "Now Timmy, I know you're excited about your fifth birthday, and it's a lovely cake with candles on it and you've got some super presents to open, but don't you think you're getting a little overexcited? Now have a mug of cocoa and read a nice book, there's a good lad..."

Self-belief now draining by the minute, Pitt had a shot blocked off on 63, but if there was any doubt about the result, it was put resoundingly to bed a minute later. Advancing down the right channel, Curtis squared it to Twiss in acres of space thirty yards out and without hesitation he thundered a stunning shot past Crichton that was the third unsaveable goal he had conceded on the day. An outstanding goal from an outstanding player: 3-0.

Danny Brown (left) was next into the book on 66 for a foul on Craig Stanley, and two minutes later JQ made two changes; and puzzling changes they were, too. Richardson, United's best player by several streets, was replaced by Danny Carey-Bertram, while Bridges, who had admittedly gone missing as comprehensively as Paddy Kenny's left eyebrow, was withdrawn in favour of Rob Wolleaston.

So at 3-0 down, United stayed playing 4-4-2 rather than going for broke with three up, with a central midfielder out of position wide right. What part of the Pro Licence course was that covered in, then?

The substitutions did not go down well with the amber hordes, and although Richardson had picked up a knock a few minutes earlier, he appeared to have run it off and showed no sign of it when he trotted off to warm applause.

Tommy Jaszczun joined his colleagues on the yellow list on 68 for a foul on Thompson, but as a contest the game was as over as Marcus Trescothick's Test career. First Morecambe sub on 72 saw Conal Platt replace Curtis, who strolled off unnecessarily slowly, and five minutes later a magnificent run from deep by Brown culminated in a cheeky lob which Drench managed to pluck from the ever-coldening air.

Thompson shot over on 81 as the visitors saw out the remaining minutes coolly, United already resigned to their fate, and Gash became the latest bookee a minute later for a bad-tempered clash with Stanley who was almost immediately replaced by Fraser McLachlan.

Ged Brannan completed the set of subs for the Shrimps on 87, coming on for Michael Howard, but JQ showed no interest in using his side's third option.

The board indicating four added minutes evinced only groans from the long-suffering amber hordes, and the match seemed to be petering to a standstill when in the last minute United were awarded a penalty when Blackburn upended Morrison.

DCB stepped up and sent Drench the wrong way with a calmly taken pen into the bottom right corner for the flimsiest of consolations: 3-1.

Seconds later it was all over and after the euphoria of last week, reality kicked in with a vengeance. Morecambe were undoubtedly very impressive opposition indeed and thoroughly deserved winners.

United will hopefully learn the lesson that they need each and every one of their players to be 100% on his game for 90 minutes if they are to compete with the best that this division has to offer.

Player Ratings
Crichton 6. Not really a lot he could do about any of the goals.
Bloomer 5. Tried his best but never entirely comfortable at full-back.
Duncan 6. Reasonably solid as we have come to expect.
Morrison 6. Had a not-bad sort of game.
Jaszczun 6. Energetic and committed.
Bridges 4. Fleeting appearances on the ball between vast tracts of anonymity.
Hanlon 5. Second best to his oppos in midfield.
Brown 6. Neat'n'tidy but too subdued to wrest control from Morecambe.
Pitt 5. Had his moments first half, disappeared in the second.
Gash 5. Tried his heart out but it just wasn't happening today.
Richardson 7. The only United player who continued his form of last week.

Wolleaston 5. Puzzling out-of-position sub made little impression.
Carey-Bertram 5. The match was dead by the time he was introduced. Nice penalty, though.

Match Summary
United were brought down to Earth with a dull splat as they were comprehensively outplayed by the better team in Morecambe, who were faster to the ball and much less wasteful when they had it. Their spectacular goals were the icing on their cake and the U's can have no illusions now of how hard it will be to haul themselves out of the mire at the wrong end of the table.

Man of the Match
Marcus Richardson. No other U's player can hold his head up high today. Marcus carried on where he left off against Gravesend with an all-action, power-packed display of pace, muscle and no little guile. If only his support had been of the same standard. His substitution was United's surrender.

Ref Watch
Tomlinson 6. No major rickets but far too quick to penalise each and every aerial challenge, and saw 'fouls' that simply were not there. Less whistle next time, please.

Soundtrack of the Day: Flaming Lips 'It Overtakes Me'

Andrew Bennett

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Previous match reports:
U's 3-0 Gravesend
Grays 1-1 U's
Northwich 2-0 U's (FA Cup Qual)
U's 0-3 Oxford
U's 1-2 Crawley
U's 2-2 Altrincham
Burton 2-1 U's
U's 1-0 Stevenage
U's 1-1 Kidderminster
Forest Green 1-1 U's
U's 1-3 Exeter
Dagenham 2-0 U's
U's 1-2 Halifax
St Albans 1-1 U's
U's 0-1 Northwich Victoria

Pre-season match reports:
Histon 0-0 U's (3-4 on pens)
U's 1-3 Norwich
Fakenham 0-7 U's
Enfield FC 0-2 U's
Cambridge City 0-2 U's
U's 4-4 Ipswich
U's 0-4 West Ham
Bury Town 1-2 U's
Leyton 0-3 U's

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