Saturday 26th August 2006 - U's 1-2 Halifax: It's A Shayme

Marcus Is Back! A Celebratory Medley

Well I'm the type of guy who will never settle down
Where signing-on fees are you'll know that I'm around
Done Rochdale and done Lincoln and to me they're all the same
Played for so many clubs now can't remember all their names
They call me the wanderer - yeah - the wanderer
I roam around around around around

Oh, well there's Chester on my left arm and there's Yeovil on my right
And Cambridge is the club that I'll be with tonight
And when somebody asks me which one I love the best
I'll tear open my shirt and show the pound sign on my chest
'Cause I'm the wanderer - yeah - the wanderer
I roam around around around around

Oh, well I roam from town to town
I rough up foes without a care
And I'm as happy as a clown
And with my elbows of iron I'll give defenders nightmares

Oh yeah, I'm the type of guy that likes to roam around
Can't unpack my suitcase, I roam from town to town
And when I finally manage to score myself a goal
I hop right into that car and leave while I'm on a roll
Yeah I'm a wanderer yeah the wanderer
I roam around around around around
Yeah I'm a wanderer yeah the wanderer
Are you sure I've played here before?

I was born under a wand'rin' star
I was born under a wand'rin' star
Stoppers are for rollin'
While they try to hack
I score a goal then get a move before I get the sack
I was born under a wand'rin' star

Clubs can make you prisoner and the managers will lie
Fans will shout abuse but missing sitters makes you cry
Home is just a motel room to invite ladies to
Who with any luck will fancy a brew
I was born under a wand'rin' star
I was born under a wand'rin' star

Do I know where hell is? Hell is London Road
Heaven is "Goodbye fat Barry, I'll never sign for you"

My agent's in heaven, he loves all the fees
I'm still waiting for him to get that trial with Chelsea

I was born under a wand'rin' star
A wand'rin', wand'rin' star

So the Hero of Stoke has returned. Marcus Glenroy Richardson donned the black and amber today for the first time since United's defeat at London Road on 8th September 2001, although he has appeared at the Abbey twice since then in the colours of Hartlepool and Lincoln, both in 2003.

His full roll-call of clubs now reads: Calne, Hungerford, Wokingham, Burnham, Slough, Airdrie, Wycombe, Harrow, the Mighty U's, Torquay, Hartlepool, Torquay, Rochdale, Yeovil, Chester, Macclesfield, Weymouth, and back with us again. That's even more than Steve Claridge, for goodness' sake, and he's still only 28!

Now here is another list for you: Kitson, Ainsworth, Guy, Benjamin (3), Easter (5), Chillingworth (2), Duffy (3), Lockett, Westcarr, Blackman, Walker, Kandol (3), Guinan, McCammon (2), Gutzmore, Abbey, Youngs (2), Butler. Those are all ex-U's strikers who have scored goals for their present clubs during the last eight days. And there are probably more if you look even further down the Pyramid. Is Neil Horwood still knocking them in for some Sunday League side somewhere? No, that's pretty unlikely, let's face it...

So could big Marcus add to his two-goal United tally and solve their striking mini-crisis against Halifax? He came in for David Bridges, while the only other change from the side which lost at Weymouth last week was Darren Quinton in for Josh Simpson. New face on the bench was ex-Reading trainee Liam Marum, a tall striker with a fine head of tight curls. Or a perm.

Halifax have been intermittent opponents for the U's, going back to their first visit to the Abbey in October 1973 when their 1-0 victory helped United on their way to their first-ever relegation. The Yorkshiremen had never won since in Cambridge in eight further meetings and arrived today on the same disappointing points total as their hosts after missing out in the playoff final last season to Hereford.

Most familiar faces in their line-up were veteran 36-year-old ex-Ipswich defender Gus Uhlenbeek, and former Middlesbrough and Cardiff striker Andy Campbell, who although he resembles Fatboy Slim's uglier older brother and seems to have been around since the 1970s, is remarkably still only 27 years old. That's what he says, anyway.

On a temperate if hardly sweltering summer's day, first chance fell to the hosts after just over a minute as their new strike pair combined, Richardson flicking on to Robbie Simpson who flashed a shot wide of the post. The visitors soon established that they would provide resolute opposition, closing United down quickly all over the park and snappier in the tackle than a crabby lobster.

Richardson's first opportunity for a returning goal came on 7, Rob Wolleaston floating in a cross from deep, but while the big number nine waited for it to drop into a volleyable position, Adam Quinn lunged in to clear for United's first corner. Michael Morrison headed a Courtney Pitt free-kick over a couple of minutes later in a rare instance of a player in amber winning an aerial ball against Halifax's gigantic back line, and the U's appeared to have made a reasonably adequate start to their quest for that first win of the season.

Any early optimism, however, was crushed faster than Niall Quinn's managerial career on 14 with another of those gift goals that United have been so adept at giving in the last few years. Danny Forrest crossed into a crowded home box, it was cleared to Lewis Killeen whose cross was again half-cleared, and as the area began to empty, Martin Foster's lofted follow-up ball in found two Halifax players totally unmarked on the left-hand edge of the box. Paul Crichton saw the danger coming and decided to sprint from his line in an attempt to pluck it off the attackers' heads; but alas, he was a fraction too late, and the cross found the head of Mark Roberts, just beating the keeper's despairing gloves to nod lazily into the now-empty net. 1-0.

Fragile confidence shaken, the supply to United's front two began to sag in quality, too many long balls aimed hopefully from deep while the midfield struggled to make an impact on their energetic, tough-tackling opponents. It was also notable that neither of the wingers made a single run past their markers towards the byline, and with little or no overlapping from the full-backs, all the forwards' supply was coming from deep, with an ensuing paucity of accuracy.

Courtney Pitt swivelled to shoot low past the near post on 17, and Jon Brady was first into the book on 22 for a crudely mistimed tackle on Jake Wright worthy of that master of the inept forward's challenge, Paul Scholes. And there the resemblance between the Aussie and the ginger wizard begins... and ends. Wright's over-the-top forehead-to-forehead reaction, however, was unnecessary and might have earned himself a card, too, from a more hardline official.

Pitt was next for the yellow plastic treatment five minutes later for a clumsy tackle on Uhlenbeek, although a similar couple of efforts from Halifax players had resulted in nothing stronger than a mild lecture from referee Cann. Campbell fired narrowly wide on 32 as United continued to huff and puff impotently against opposition which seemed that fraction quicker and tougher in the tackle, and Shaymen keeper Craig Mawson was as underemployed as Darrell Hair is going to be in the near future.

In fact if anyone looked like scoring again it was Halifax. Forrest was not closed down on the edge of the box on 42 and fizzed a sherbet dipper just wide of the far post, and a minute later Killeen fired one in that Crichton has to paw behind for a corner.

United had failed to deliver on either an individual or collective basis, looking fallible in defence and lacking in sufficient fight or creativity in midfield, while the strikers had been reduced to feeding off scraps. The amber hordes expressed their underwhelmedness in familiar fashion as their team trudged disconsolately off at half-time.

Only the players will know how inspirational Buzz's team talk was during the interval, but if the home fans were expecting them to re-emerge fizzing with vim and snarling with gusto, they were sadly disappointed as the visitors dominated the early stages of part two.

The right-hand side of the United team seemed to melt away like an abandoned Raspberry Mivvi on 47 as Killeen strolled through to slide a penetrating ball for Kiwi striker Shane Smeltz to ghost past the defence, rounding the advancing Crichton but driven wide; his low cross was met and cleared by Michael Morrison before it could find a lurking blue shirt to tap into the empty net.

Killeen got a shot on target on 48, which Crichton gathered safely, and five minutes later Forrest forced another save from the United custodian at the expense of a corner. Crichton clutched another sighter from Foster on 55, then Buzz had seen enough and made a positive double substitution, removing the unhappy Smith and a clearly injured Wolleaston, who had been limping since halfway through the first half. On came Josh Simpson and Michael Gash, and United changed to an adventurous 3-4-3 formation, risking leaving gaps at the back in their quest for goals.

With the additional bodies up front, United gradually began to exert some long-awaited pressure, the crosses still coming from deep but now with at least an increased chance of finding an amber shirt.

Gash forced a save (at last) from Mawson as one such cross fell to him in the area, and Tommy Jaszczun had an absolute thunderbolt blocked by a brave blue shirt in the 'D'.

The amber hordes responded to their side's awakening attacking intent and roared them on, and they were almost rewarded on 63 when Pitt was afforded too much space by the Shaymen and fired a low shot from 25 yards which cannoned off the foot of the post with Mawson a mere spectator. United were getting closer.

Football has a habit of knocking you down at your moment of maximum hope, and Halifax's second goal on 66 devastated the hosts with the force of a Ben Thatcher forearm smash. Once again it was a sloppy and preventable goal, as Foster's cross from a corner arrowed to Quinn who rose easily above a static Bloomer yards out to crash his header past a helpless Crichton. 2-0.

Suddenly you could see all the Cantabrigian optimism, both on and off the pitch, draining away like dirty bathwater. Far from sitting on their lead, the visitors pressed home the advantage against their shellshocked opponents. Foster's mazy run and shot just missed the far post on 69, and Forrest had a cross-shot nodded from almost under his own bar by Morrison.

Despite this, the Shaymen made a defensive substitution by introducing another huge defender, Greg Young, for Smeltz to counteract United's three-man front line. There was brief hope for the hosts when Jaszczun's deep (what else) cross found Mawson flapping at thin air under pressure from Richardson and with the keeper hopelessly stranded, Gash sent a looping header onto the top of the bar.

United continued to flail, but despite the presence of three muscular strikers, the supply line was still sadly lacking in quality and too many crosses found the tall Halifax back line's heads when the forwards were crying out for an adventurous run down the line or some slick one-twos to set up a decent chance at goal.

Halifax were now content to soak up the pressure, defend their lead and hit the U's on the counter. They broke up play further by introducing Ryan Sugden for Campbell on 76 and Russell Fry for Forrest on 80, while Buzz seemed unwilling to move from Plan B to Plan C; the untried strikers on the bench, Marum and Dave Lawrence, were destined to remain just that, which begs the question of just why they were there in first place.

The visitors finally picked up their first booking on 83, Foster for the foolish reason of taking a free-kick too quickly, but United continued to batter away in more hope than belief and, although it was apparent that Mawson was about as comfortable in the air as an elephant jumping off the Eiffel Tower clutching a helium balloon in its trunk, he was well protected by the imposing wall of blue in front of him. It seemed a goal would never come.

With a mere three minutes' added time indicated, the game seemed up. Then at long, long last, we had something to cheer. Another hopeful punt into a crowded box was half-cleared, and Jaszczun roared in from deep to thrash a stupendous 25-yard half-volley into the bottom corner past a stunned Mawson. A fantastic goal with more quality than his team had managed during the entire previous 90 minutes: 2-1.

Of course, it was all a cruel tease. The amber hordes, physically or mentally slumped in their seats and terraces, resigned to another depressing defeat, suddenly had their hoped raised of at least snatching an undeserved point. It didn't happen, and Halifax spent most of the remaining time in the United half, seeing out the remaining seconds in relative comfort. The game was up.

Defeat by one goal, hitting the woodwork twice; the bare stats might suggest that United had been unlucky. Not so. They had been well beaten by a side which had been more determined, more professional, stronger, more incisive and more inventive. They continue to underperform, as individuals and as a team. Who is responsible? The players and management team must all take responsibility, each and every one. The season has just started; let's get on with it. Now!

Player Ratings

Crichton 6. Looked sound apart from his misjudgement for the first goal.
Smith 5. Least comfortable game so far at right-back.
Bloomer 5. The weight of captaincy looks to be hanging heavily at the moment.
Morrison 6. Improving after a misfiring start to the season.
Jaszczun 6. Not his greatest game but what a goal.
Brady 5. Beckhamesque: has to make all his crosses from deep because he doesn't have the pace to get to the byline.
Wolleaston 5. Early injury was no help at all and eventually forced off.
Quinton 5. No doubting his effort but surrounded by colleagues struggling for form.
Pitt 5. Occasional flashes but capable of so much more.
R.Simpson 6. Kept battling despite poor service.
Richardson 6. Put himself about as well as he could. He'll have to get rid of those boring black boots, though. Everyone's wearing silver, gold or white now, dahling.

J.Simpson 6. Made a reasonable impact.
Gash 6. Rolled his sleeves up and got stuck in.

Match Summary: Underachieving United's underwhelming start to the season continued unabated with another disappointing capitulation at the Abbey. Sunday is for soul-searching for all concerned.

Man of the Match: Robbie Simpson. Not a game to remember for anyone in an amber shirt, but his battling was at the heart of United's all-too-brief revival in the second half.

Ref Watch: Cann 7. Ignored a few close handball calls and seemed keener to book United players than those of Halifax who committed the same offences. Otherwise pretty competent.

Soundtrack of the Day: Camille 'Ta Douleur'

Andrew Bennett

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Previous match reports:
St Albans 1-1 U's
U's 0-1 Northwich Victoria

Pre-season match reports:
Histon 0-0 U's (3-4 on pens)
U's 1-3 Norwich
Fakenham 0-7 U's
Enfield FC 0-2 U's
Cambridge City 0-2 U's
U's 4-4 Ipswich
U's 0-4 West Ham
Bury Town 1-2 U's
Leyton 0-3 U's

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