Tuesday 18th March 2008 - Crawley 2-1 U's: Between The Devils And The Deep Blue Lee

"BLONDE - ORGANIC LAGER" blared the advertising hoarding at Crawley's Broadfield Stadium, unappetisingly. Who knows, perhaps this exotic-sounding brew is thoroughly delicious, despite looking like a urine sample. But the anaemic name seemed to reflect the performance of the visiting United team, pale, thin and with the distinct aroma of flowers.

And there, in stark contrast on the Crawley bench, were twin Father Jacks, florid-faced, fruity of language, loud of mouth and distinctly short of social niceties. That nice Steve Evans and his assistant, former U's legend 'Super' Paul Raynor, must train even harder than their players to keep up ninety minutes of shouting, badgering, cajoling and complaining to the referee, his linesman and anyone else who will listen. JQ stayed taciturn, scowling beneath his flat cap, planning the rollicking he was going to give his underachieving charges after a second consecutive defeat to a team in the bottom half of the table.

It had all started so promisingly. The Broadfield Stadium possesses one of the most pleasant and cosy supporters' bars in the league and it was packed with another impressively numerous amber horde, enjoying plentiful beer, kettle chips and Setanta's bizarre yellow-tinged remix of Sky Sports News, with slightly less attractive presenters.

The ground itself, only ten years old, retains something of an unfinished look, with seating in the main stand along one side, covered terraces at each end, but the fourth side merely a shallow uncovered terrace a la Morecambe, with huge nets behind it to stop stray 'ave its' from ballooning into the adjoining main road.

The floodlighting was rather less than impressive, its dim, irregular glow leaving large patches of the pitch in near-dusk only truly penetrable by players wearing miner's helmets. But the pitch itself looked reasonable, especially when compared to Farsley's windblown soil desert, on a chilly but dry Sussex evening.

JQ's only changes to the team which beat Woking on Saturday were enforced, Lee McEvilly missing through injury and Magno Vieira unable to face his parent club, so it was back to a relatively cautious 3-5-2 with Mark Convery the extra man in midfield and Mark Beesley partnering Lee Boylan in United's ninth different starting strike partnership this season.

The U's bench looked more like a crêche with new promotee from CRC, midfielder Sam Cutler, joined by four more teenagers in Messrs Jeffery, Coulson, Willmott and Collins, demonstrating both the youth system's strength and the depth of injuries within the first team squad.

The Red Devils of Crawley (their mascot looked positively Satanic with its malevolent leer and pointed teeth, even in 6-year-old George's drawing of him in the programme) were resoundingly mid-table and Evans' piece in the aforementioned mag was the predictable litany of unfavourable comparisons of his budget with others, praise for the wonderfulness of the club's owners and details of how many match officials have apologised to him this season for costing his team points by being wrong when he was right. Truly, he is a saint amongst men.

Crawley may not have many household names in their ranks (OK, none) but they make up for it in the image of their management team by hard work, simple tactics and nearly as much attitude as that charmer Ashley 'Talk to the shirt' Cole. Top scorer Jamie Cook drew a clumsy foul from Mark Peters inside the first minute with a lightning burst down the middle, but ref Scott was not tempted to reach for his book at such an early stage.

It was United who gained the first two corners of the contest, but Courtney Pitt was unable to find a colleague with either; however, a fairly uneventful encounter came to life on 13 when United were caught out by a pinpoint free-kick.

Mark Albrighton felled Cook deep in the right channel, Crawley packed the box with bodies, and Dannie Bulman's free-kick to the far side was headed back across the area by Glenn Wilson for Kevin James to guide a careful header low inside the far post while Danny Potter seemed to just trot across goal as if he fully expected it to go wide. Oh dear: 1-0.

The U's looked far from fluent, but bounced back with a couple more corners and the second one on 21 brought forth an equaliser. Convery's flag-kick found Peters, he nodded it on to Boylan close in, and the smallest man on the pitch headed past keeper Ashley Bayes, who appeared to be confused by a defender leaping around just in front of him. Seven in five for the goal poacher supreme: 1-1.

United should have used this break as a foundation to build upon, but instead they disappeared into their shells as they allowed the hosts to out-battle them into submission. With the honourable exception of Paul Carden the midfield just went missing like so many storm-tossed mariners, leaving the defence to hump mindless high balls towards the distinctly un-target-men-like Boylan and Beesley, exactly what JQ said they would not be doing beforehand. He would have been tearing his hair out if he had any. Perhaps that's how he lost it in the first place.

Boylan in particular fought manfully against far taller and stronger defenders, even winning the odd header by a mixture of cunning and guts, but his 'partnership' with Beesley was like chocolate and coleslaw, the two not combining in any compatible way.

Crawley were however unable to create any chances of real note. Bulman blasted wide from distance on 31, then the man in black began to tire of Evans' pitch-side rantings and told him to turn the volume down. In (y)our dreams.

Five minutes later Dan Gleeson brought down Jon-Paul (is his second name George-Ringo?) Pittman out on the left, Bulman whipped it into the box and the erstwhile foulee shot low from twelve yards, Potter sprawled to save, but surprisingly chose to push it clear when it looked like he could have held it without too much difficulty. Curse those non-stick gloves.

There was further concern when Peters followed a through ball back towards Potter but either the U's keeper did not call to claim as he should have done or Peters did not hear him, the big centre-back eventually hoofing clear before having a brief conflab with his keeper.

Peters felled that man Cook again on 41 and, perhaps with the first minute in mind, Scott made him the first name in the book. United were still having difficulty stringing two decent passes together, but they did manage to force two late corners, to no avail, and Cook closed the half by sending a shot into Potter's arms from the D.

It hadn't been especially pretty or even enjoyable, but surely if United could only raise their game to somewhere near their best, or at least provide their strikers with some half-decent service, the points were there for the taking. But first they had to match the hosts for physical effort.

Neither boss deemed any team changes appropriate at this stage, and the first significant second-half action was a yellow card on 50 for the hosts' James, not for his clash with Carden but with his over-the-top Evansesque reaction to being penalised.

United continued to struggle to find any rhythm, the midfield still all but invisible, while Crawley kept it simple and knocked the ball around to reasonable if hardly devastating effect. Pittman flashed a shot wide on 55, and three minutes later the hosts conjured a goal from nothing.

Cook appeared to be going nowhere out on the right wing, faced with Michael Morrison, but he wrapped his foot around the ball and dug out an unexpectedly long cross which dropped plumb for Bulman at the far post fifteen yards out to steer a neatly controlled volley low past Potter, who again made only the slightest effort to move as if he thought this one too was going wide. No such luck: 2-1.

Now this was worrying. Albrighton was cautioned for a foul on (who else) Cook on the hour, and five minutes later JQ wisely changed things around, withdrawing the disappointing Convery and ponderous Peters for the youth of Robbie Willmott (below) and Jordan Collins, the latter making his first appearance of the season. He went to left-back, Gleeson switched to right-back and United adopted an attacking 4-4-2.

The subs introduced some welcome energy to a lethargic, lacklustre United side, but although they produced a couple of half-decent crosses, the lurking Boylan just could not get his toe onto them. At the other end Bulman fired wide on 71, and on 75 further new blood was introduced for the visitors in the shape of Jack Jeffery in place of an underwhelming Beesley.

The amber hordes tried desperately to lift their heroes, and there was a brief spell of hope as the youngsters' youthful energy produced a few promising crosses into the box which just found a red shirt before they could find a white one. Crawley repelled all boarders, breaking on 85 to see a Cook shot blocked by Albrighton, then the U's bounced back with a splendid break from Jeffery that culminated in a cross-shot that was half-cleared by Wilson but pounced on by the predatory Boylan, who steered an acrobatic half-volley onto the top of the bar with Bayes stranded. Best chance of the match to level.

As time ticked by, the hosts began the time-wasting substitutions. Ex-U Lee Blackburn replaced Thomas Pinault on 88 as United chased the game with increasing desperation, Albrighton and Morrison remaining upfield to help the attack, and the former blasted wide as four minutes' added time was indicated.

For all their youthful brio, though, United had blown themselves out. Crawley spent most of added time protecting the ball in the U's half, bringing on two more subs in the persons of Kieran Murphy and brief United pre-season trialist and scorer at Milton Road, Pierre Joseph-Dubois, instead of Cook and Pittman. Gleeson was booked at the death, then it was all over.

There is no denying that United's recent form gives cause for concern, with two defeats to distinctly average sides who simply seemed to want to win more on the day. Yes, there have been players missing, and McEvilly in particular is going to be really difficult to replace, but just as Lee Boylan has stepped up the plate with the departure of Scott Rendell, so others must do the same. And it was pleasing to learn that certain established players felt the rough side of JQ's tongue for their failure to deliver when the going got tough.

United must regain that indomitable spirit of early season and learn ways of playing to their strengths (ie no high balls towards Boylan) while maximising every player's performance within the context of a coherent team plan. But hey, JQ knows all this and he's got the badges to prove it. The sharp end of the season beckons; don't let us be the ones who are cut down before our prime. You'll only drive us all to drink if we fall short now.

Statto Corner
Lee Boylan continues his goalscoring exploits in scoring for the fifth consecutive game. Next record in his sights is the six matches in a row in which Trevor Benjamin scored between 4th and 25th March 2000, in wins over Bristol City, Scunthorpe and Oxford, draws with Brentford and Luton, and a 3-4 home defeat by Wrexham. Big Trev scored just the one goal in each and every game.

United's bad run at Broadfield Stadium also continues, with one draw and two defeats in the last three seasons. Their only victory in Crawley was on their very first visit, to the Red Devils' old Town Mead ground in August 1969 in the Southern League. The U's won 2-0, then stuffed Town 8-0 in the return in February, including a hat-trick by on-loan Charlton striker Paul Gilchrist, who went on to gain an FA Cup winner's medal with Southampton in 1976.

Sam Cutler became the eighth United player to be allocated the number 31 squad number, three of which never got to appear in the league. The full list is: James Mercer, Armand One, Dan Gleeson, Tom Beech, Sam Reed, Gavin Heeroo and Dan Crane.

Player Ratings
Potter 5. Hard to believe, but even Dan the Man looked short on confidence, pushing the ball away when he could have held it, getting into a right mix-up with Mark Peters, and looking sluggish at both goals. Will the real Danny Potter please stand up?
Albrighton 6. Solid enough defensively, but like practically all of his colleagues, his idea of a forward pass was to hoof into the air in the vague direction of his undersized forwards without thinking or looking.
Peters 5. The grand old man is sadly starting to look his age, particularly in terms of pace.
Morrison 6. Mirrored the performance of his skipper, hoofs and all.
Gleeson 5. Made little impact as a wing-back, adequate as a right-back.
Wolleaston 5. Rob has started to revert to his old ways recently, disappearing into his shell instead of using his undoubted talent. Time to buck up.
Carden 7. United's most consistent player of late, he always puts in the work and rarely misplaces a pass. Unfortunately this was wasted on his team-mates tonight.
Convery 5. Given another chance, he again failed to stake his claim with a display of total anonymity.
Pitt 5. So good on Saturday, 'so what' on Tuesday.
Beesley 5. Settling in hasn't been easy for Mark, but he has to do better than this, notwithstanding the poor service he tried in vain to reach.
Boylan 7. Battled heroically throughout.

Willmott 7. Dynamic and positive, he put most of his colleagues to shame.
Collins 7. He has waited a long time for his chance this season, but put in a splendid shift at his most natural position, left-back.
Jeffery 7. A third impressive substitute, his determination and skill more than compensated for his lack of stature and experience.

Match Summary
United failed to deliver either individually or collectively against combative but limited Crawley, surrendering the points all too easily in a contest in which too many experienced players simply did not compete. Must do better.

Man of the Match
Lee Boylan. He must have been astonished by his colleagues' consistent insistence on banging high balls up towards his 5' 7", but he just rolled up his sleeves and got stuck in and won his fair share against much taller markers, putting his team-mates to shame. And he just keeps sticking the ball in the back of the old onion bag.

Ref Watch
Scott 6. Couldn't seem to stop awarding Crawley free-kicks throughout, all too easily impressed by their theatrical histrionics, but was at least reasonably sparing with the cards.

Non-League Player's Name of the Week
Northwood's Enrico Grimm. Bet he's got a few tales to tell.

Soundtrack of the Day
British Sea Power 'No Lucifer'

The MP3 Files
Mark Peters lends an ear to the Broadfield sounds. "My elder sister Bethan was something of a punk rocker in her day and was particularly fond of a scruffy bunch of girls called the Slits. When they turned all reggae and dreadlocks, Bethan went with that Trustafarian look which basically meant wearing shapeless clothes and not washing her hair, much to Mam's disgust! I was only young, I preferred Racey myself. I think they call that a 'Guilty Pleasure' now, but frankly they sound bloody diabolical now!

"Anyway, the Slits had a song in which they claimed 'Silence is a rhythm too', and I think Crawley's tune selector must have agreed because much of the build-up to the game tonight consisted of either chit-chat or, yes, silence! They eventually woke up and played some Christina Aguilera - she's certainly got that skanky look my sister had in the early Eighties, the dirty little minx - before churning out the theme to Hawaii Five-O to greet the players. No terribly original, isn't it.

"It didn't get much better at half-time with the Farm and Fat Les, for goodness' sake, although I don't mind a little 'bwgi' to Pigbag from time to time. But overall, the music was a bit like our performance: could do better! Hwyl!" MP3 verdict: 2/10.

Andrew Bennett

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