Friday 21st December 2007 - U's 0-1 Rushden: Avoiding a Christmas rush

"What on Earth am I doing here?" It's a familiar feeling, especially at this time of year. Leaning against the wall, cradling a beaker of unspeakable punch in the corner of a boring office party, feigning interest in the chap from cubicle three's account of his exploits in World of Warcraft. Sitting, head in hands, in the women's wear section of a department store while one's beloved tries on yet another top to the accompaniment of 'Mistletoe & Wine' for the tenth time that morning. Slouching with aching feet a-glow in the queue for Santa's Grotto while the young 'un finds something up his nose far more interesting than anything the portly alcoholic in the false beard will give him in a few minutes.

We now know that these are magic, sparkling moments when compared to spending a freezing cold Friday evening watching one's team go through the motions on the way to inevitable defeat in the most pointless competition since the Kajagoogoo Fan Club held a vote to decide the band's best B-side of the Eighties. Yes folks, it's... the Setanta Shield!

Brought forward to Friday night to allow the players and staff time to do their Christmas shopping, sorry, time to prepare for the busy holiday season match schedule, the only good thing about it for U's fans was the fact that their side received a home draw and the admission price was slashed to £7 in a frankly futile attempt to attract people through the gate.

The opposition failed to stir the blood, either. Although nominally a local(ish) derby, the excitement level was about the same as if Dr Suresh in 'Heroes' managed to track down another person with super powers only to discover that their special talent was the ability to tell what flavour a Revel was without tasting it. No doubt the feeling from the heroic 100 or so travelling supporters was mutual.

Predictably, both managers made six changes from those that won in the FA Trophy the previous Saturday. Mark Albrighton was welcomed back from injury to replace Mark Peters at the heart of the defence, while Paul Carden's recall to the loving bosom of Accrington Stanley meant a recall for Rob Wolleaston. Courtney Pitt gave way to back-from-suspension Stephen Reed, Scott Rendell came in for Leo Fortune-West, and two teenagers were given full debuts, Mikey Hyem in midfield instead of Mark Convery, and Robbie Willmott in a forward role in place of Lee Boylan.

Rushden left the Conference's second-top scorer, Simeon Jackson, on the bench, and boasted two former U's in their ranks, left-back Abdou 'Gary' El Kholti and veteran keeper Paul Bastock, who had played at the Abbey ten times before, seven times for United in 1988 and more recently for Boston (twice) and St Albans. They lined up in a midfield-strangling 4-5-1 formation on a chilly evening with the threat of mist dangling in the heavens like the air in the average dining room on Christmas Day half an hour after the sprouts have been served.

Both teams staged extended huddles before kick-off, presumably just to keep warm, although it would be nice to think that the captains' last words of inspiration were, a la Armstrong & Miller, "Kill them!" in a sinister Bond villain accent. However, such commitment was markedly lacking from United's performance in the early stages as they looked distinctly hung over, particularly compared to a lively and committed Diamonds side.

First shot on 2 came from the visitors' Curtis Woodhouse, ex-Boro midfield man and now a professional boxer who appears to be on a mission to rival Seventies legend George Berry's kinky afro, charged down by Albrighton, and United gained their first corner a couple of minutes later, but after a few seconds' bagatelling around the box, the danger was cleared.

The contest was about as much of a winter warmer as a bath of iced alcohol-free lager, and while Rushden managed a few neat passing moves, the United players seemed paralysed by the cold, drifting about the pitch at half-pace and unable to muster any sort of accuracy at all. The defence looked especially vulnerable due to a somnolent midfield five which left them exposed time and again as they allowed Diamonds to bore through them; Dan Gleeson looked out of touch and disinterested in getting closer than forty yards from the opposition goal, Danny Brown appeared to be playing in slow motion, Wolleaston and Reed were shadows of their normal selves and young Hyem seemed rather swamped in all the midfield traffic. Fortunately for the hosts, the visitors' early final third play was on a par with King's Lynn's for menace.

United almost took the lead by accident on 13 when Reed's left-wing cross was swung unexpectedly close to Bastock, a couple of yards off his line, and his initial fumble looked to have pushed it into the net until he clawed it out of the air from a prone position at the second attempt.

Diamonds managed their first serious threat three minutes later when the impressive Marcus Kelly blasted a shot for the top corner and saw his effort splendidly tipped around the post by Danny Potter. At least someone was awake. Then El Kholti essayed a long-ranger, but could only find the empty seats of a mostly deserted South Stand.

United's ineffectual midfield could get little supply other than hopeful high balls up to the front two, while Diamonds' slick passing was enabling them to find their way through to the hosts' overexposed back three more and more. One such move found Tom Shaw in acres of space on the edge of the box on 25, but his attempt to 'pass it into goal' like the top strikers do resulted only in a pass back to the keeper. Sadly we won't be seeing Torres, Tevez or Adebayor in the Setanta Shield. Don't know what they're missing, do they? Apart from having his house burgled, in the former's case...

Kelly had the next chance and again his shot could find only Potter's gloves, but the ease with which Diamonds were breaching the U's back line was of increasing concern. Brown managed a speculative shot on 28 which flew over the top, but the inevitable finally happened on the half hour.

It was another good move by the visitors, Lee Tomlin making a run down the left, finding Craig McAllister, and he slipped it on to Shaw who lashed a low drive past Potter and in off the far post from twenty yards. Like the Coke Christmas trucks, it had been coming: 1-0.

A rare moment of good football from the hosts on 33 saw Gleeson send Willmott away down the right channel, and his powerful drive was well stopped by Bastock. McAllister struck a long-ranger over, then a long diagonal ball from Hoyte found Rendell who headed wide. United's top scorer had another chance a couple of minutes later when Willmott's cross found him steaming in at the far post but he clashed with Diamonds skipper Wayne Hatswell and went down needing treatment as the ball dribbled away from trouble.

That was about that as far as first-half action was concerned, the fastest moving thing in the ground being the fog that was drifting in ever-thickeningly from the South end. As we shivered in the gathering cold, the most welcome outcome to the evening seemed to be an early abandonment. All together now: "You say Setanta, and I say Santana, you say Satanta and I say Sultana, Setanta! Santana! Satanta! Sultana! Let's call the whole thing off..."

Shy, retiring Rushden boss Garry Hill made two changes for part two, Dean Howell and Michael Rankine replacing El Kholti and McAllister. Remarkably, United could and should have been level in the first minute as a half-cleared corner was headed back to Hoyte five yards out at the far post, and typically of his evening, he shinned it horribly wide of an open goal. No, Gavin, you can't blame the fog.

Perhaps it was a magical time-travelling fog and the United team had been transported back to the stumbling, fumbling, bumbling days of a year ago. What an unhappy Christmas period that was. After another eight minutes of mediocrity, Willmott and Hyem were replaced by Lee Boylan and Courtney Pitt, the latter taking a more central midfield role to leave Reed wide left.

Brown nodded a Reed corner wide on 58, then the United defence opened up again and Rankine trundled a lame effort wide under no pressure. The U's remained something of a mess when Rushden ran at them and not long afterwards right-back Curtis Osano, resplendent in short-sleeved shirt and gloves, muscled through to hammer a shot past Potter from the right channel that crashed off the inside of the far post, but no-one could follow up.

Up the other end Boylan looked lively, unlike many of his team-mates, and he had a shot parried by Bastock on 66, then Pitt lofted a hopeful effort over. He repeated the trick on 74, and three minutes later Boylan looked set to race clear onto a through ball but was harshly flagged offside by the little girl with the ponytail on the Habbin touchline. With all the fog and mist it was like a scene from 'The Railway Children,' but I think she really was waving a flag...

United came their nearest to scoring on 78 as a ball driven across the six-yard box found Boylan, but he was foiled by Bastock at point-blank range and the ball was scrambled away. Time was ticking away, and the prospect of extra time was frankly about as cheering as Jens Lehmann's face, scowling on the Arsenal bench.

Six minutes from time Fortune-West replaced Reed, United going 3-4-3, and ex-Cambridge City midfielder Jon Challinor came on for Shaw for the visitors. It made little difference, however. The only yellow card of the day came on 86 for Tomlin, a daft and unnecessary blocking of a Potter goal-kick, then the United defence opened up again, Rankine scooting round Hoyte, his shot deflecting off Albrighton and Potter doing well to get a fingertip to send it rolling against the post.

The ref found an additional four minutes from somewhere, but United's final hurrah was a free-kick touched by Pitt to Hoyte which, predictably, sailed high into the South Stand. Rushden celebrated a deserved win while the U's reflected on a first home defeat of the season.

All teams have a stinker or two during even the best of seasons, so it was perhaps a good thing that United saved it for the least important game. What is important is that they regain their form for Boxing Day and the real local derby (for now). It was a shame that after such an excellent few months, the U's fans could not have been inspired to wish their players best Christmas wishes, but the best present for all concerned will be a few wins over the holiday week. Then we will all be reminded what on Earth we are all doing here. Happy Christmas, Earthlings.

Statto Corner
Aside from the 'biggies' - FA Cup, League Cup, FA Trophy and of course the dear old LDV - United have taken part in many an obscure cup competition over the years. In fact they won the last two they entered - the Cambs Professional Cup at Histon in 2006 and the Addenbrooke's Cup at Wisbech in 2001 - although funnily enough they haven't been invited back to compete for either.

Aside from local affairs, though, for the last national competitions they competed in apart from those mentioned above, you would have to go back to the glory days of the early 1990s. In 1991-92 United took part in the short-lived and glamorously monikered Zenith Data Systems Cup, a sort of League Cup for Division Two sides, and after a thrilling penalties victory over Charlton Athletic at the Abbey, they went out 2-1 at West Ham in front of a riveted crowd of 7,182.

The next season saw the U's first foray into international competition, apart from pre-season tournaments, and the glamour of the Anglo-Italian Cup. Despite remaining unbeaten, drawing 3-3 at Birmingham and 1-1 with Sunderland, they failed to win their group and so did not qualify to actually play a real live Italian team. Still, as far as I'm concerned, we're undefeated in European competitions, which is more than you can say for the Big Four...

Player Ratings
Potter 7. Comfortably the best of a very poor bunch.
Coulson 6. The youngster did his best to cover for his more experienced but underachieving colleagues.
Albrighton 6. Great to see him back and the positional sense is still intact.
Hoyte 5. Sloppy and sub-standard effort which is hopefully just a one-off after he has made so much progress this season.
Gleeson 4. Shoddy performance, lacking in almost every way, and his insistence on cutting inside EVERY TIME instead of going down the flank was plain perverse. What he needs is some competition for his place.
Wolleaston 6. Well off the pace, although he at least tried to make the odd decent run.
Hyem 5. Unfortunately little Mikey just wasn't at the races and the game just passed him by.
Brown 6. Still feeling his way back, but he's going to have to break into a darned sight more than the light trot he managed tonight, against Histon.
Reed 5. Little sign of the danger man he can usually be.
Willmott 6. A couple of good moments, but not convincing as a central striker, at least not yet.
Rendell 6. So frustrated by the poor standard of service he received that he expended most of his energy having a go (rightly) at his anonymous midfield team-mates.

Boylan 7. One of the few United players who looked interested.
Pitt 6. Mostly average in a more central role.
Fortune-West 5. Came on too late to make an impression.

Match Summary
United played as if they had just come back from partying with Man U in a desultory light training session of a performance which was deservedly punished by Rushden, the only team to look as if they cared about something other what Christmas presents to buy on the Saturday. Just saving it up for Boxing Day, eh lads...?!

Men (and women) of the Match
The 1,300 loyal fans who turned out on a foggy, freezing night to be served with an indigestible helping of leftover turkey giblets several days early (not literally - the catering wasn't that bad). We must get promotion now, just to avoid this wretched competition next year.

Ref Watch
Fletcher 6. Bit of a pernickety fusspot who gave far too many trivial free-kicks, but we've seen worse.

Non League Player's Name of the Week
Bishop Stortford's positively poetic Jason Mason.

Soundtrack of the Day
Manic Street Preachers 'Ghost Of Christmas'

Andrew Bennett

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