Thursday 6th December 2007 - Kidderminster 1-0 U's: United trip over the red carpet

Uncertainty. You're sitting on a train, it's dark outside and when you look out of the window, all you can see is the reversed reflection of the inside of the carriage. Your eyes glide over the mirror images of the faces of your fellow passengers, and your gaze falls upon the pretty girl/good-looking chap/cute dog (adjust according to taste) facing you a couple of seats ahead. They are looking out of the window too, and your eyes seem to meet, staring deeply within, before you look away. But did your eyes really meet? Did they see you at all? Dare you sneak a glance at the real face of the real person into whose reflection you just peered so intimately?

You will never know if you really stared into their eyes or not. The uncertainty will remain. And after all too many years, that is a feeling that has been, to a significant extent, banished from United followers' minds this season as, time and again, this splendid team has achieved a consistency of performance and effort unheard of during the club's last few troubled seasons. But there is always the Bogey Team to contend with... and for the U's that is Kidderminster Harriers. The only uncertainty about Aggborough is the margin by which United will fail to win.

First hurdle to overcome, though, thanks to the fixture-husbandry of those nice people at Setanta, was the joys of the A14 and M6 on a dark, rain-drenched Thursday night. The squad left a couple of hours late thanks to the non-arrival of their original coach - probably commandeered by those posh rugger types for their annual jaunt to Twickers - and many U's supporters had to regretfully forego the delights of Kiddie's welcoming social club due to late arrival, several even missing kick-off.

The United players did not get out onto the pitch to warm up until 25 minutes before the start, long after the Harriers players had started their pre-match routine, and both sets of men had to work their way around the hosts' hard-working ground staff who were busy with rollers and big forks to make the sodden pitch playable.

Aggborough is one of the better venues at Conference level, with seated stands all the way along both sides and spacious covered terraces at both ends. It was nice to see the old familiar sponsors' names still in place on the hoardings - my favourite, Doolittle & Dalley - and the hoarding proclaiming the food the best in football was borne out by an impressive selection of large-portioned offerings rarely seen elsewhere such as chicken chow mein and shepherd's pie.

The Harriers' mascot, a huge bird which was no doubt supposed to be, well, a harrier - couldn't they have knocked up a Harrier Jump Jet costume just to be different and hoisted them in on a wire? - took time out to pelt the travelling amber hordes with lollipops to further enhance the Aggborough culinary experience. I trust it undertook a Health & Safety assessment first...

The U's fans were restricted to one side of the away end due to the presence of the ubiquitous Setanta camera gantry, but thankfully there was plenty of room under an extensive roof that ensured no-one got wet (or wetter, had they been queuing in the open air for food first). And being a live TV game, the players made the usual cheesy entry through a papier-mâché Blue Square hoop, led by that bird-shaped mascot.

There were some surprises in the United line-up, with three changes from the below-par victory over Weymouth last Saturday: Lee Boylan was dropped in favour of Leo-Fortune West and Darryl Knights came in for Courtney Pitt, the on-loan youngster stationed behind the front two with Stephen Reed moving to left wing-back. Biggest surprise, though, was at centre-back, where Michael Morrison was left out in favour of teenager Josh Coulson (below), making his first league start. Did someone say 'contract offer'?

The only Abbey connection in the Kidderminster squad was in the form of left-back Jonny Harkness, but he was restricted to the bench. The hosts were about to play their only scheduled home game in the month of December, Setanta Shield draw pending, with glamorous away trips coming up to Guiseley in the FA Trophy and to Forest Green for their seasonal 'local derby.' You lucky people.

If United had been late to arrive at the ground, they were also late in getting started once the opening whistle went and were immediately pushed back by the hosts. In fact Kiddie should have scored after little more than a minute when Andy Ferrell's inswinging right-wing corner was flicked on for inrushing centre-back Mark Creighton, whose header from five yards out somehow cannoned off the bar with the goal at his mercy.

United's start could most kindly be described as sluggish, and with two tall target men up front they showed a tendency to punt hopeful high balls in their general direction in the windswept, slip-slidy conditions. The hosts played a neat, short-passing give-and-go style and enjoyed the best of the early exchanges, but Danny Potter was untroubled until the eleventh minute when Ferrell fired a low shot from twenty yards into his waiting gloves.

The U's defence coped well with the Harriers' probing, Mark Peters mustering his young charges Coulson and Gavin Hoyte with wing-backs Gleeson and Reed also playing their part, and the latter picked up the first booking of the night on 17 for a crude body-check on Russell Penn. They were not as yet firing going forward, however.

The visitors finally mustered an attempt at goal on 19 when LFW was clattered by Creighton, and Scott Rendell touched the free-kick to Hoyte for one of his long-range blockbusters, but it was blocked by Gavin Hurren before it even reached the penalty area. Big Leo was presented with an excellent chance a minute later, when Reed's corner was flicked on and he slid in on the mud to poke over the top when he will feel he should at least have hit the target. Oh blimey, now he'll be grumpier than ever.

What the missed chance did signify, however, was that United were finally beginning to get a grip on the game, and on their game, and they were doing so by abandoning the long ball and playing in on the floor like Kidderminster. And central to their forward play was Knights, who began to grow in influence as he saw more and more of the ball.

Nothing signalled United's improvement more than a one-touch move down the left on 25 that was more delicious than a Cameron Diaz buttie. Rendell laid off to Rob Wolleaston, he fed Reed and he sent Knights through on goal; the Yeovil loanee had plenty of time on the edge of the box and tried to pass the ball into the net, but his low, deliberate skimmer flashed inches wide of the near post as keeper Scott Bevan said his prayers.

Tails up, Wolleaston blazed wide a minute later, and the net bulged (well, rippled apologetically) on the half hour but Rendell had already been penalised for a foul on his marker. Harriers were very much still in it, though, Ferrell firing wide from an angle on 35, and five minutes later they came their nearest yet when Iyseden Christie beat Hoyte to the byline on the right, his cross took a deflection that made it loop to the far post and Penn stole in unseen for a point-blank headed tap-in... or he would have done, but for superb defensive work by Coulson, who threw himself full-length to head it away for a corner. Edge-of-the-seat stuff.

Ferrell's ensuing flag-kick was nodded over by Hurren, then United responded through Wolleaston with a splendid give-and-go with Knights down the left that set him up for a shot which was arrowing for the opposite bottom corner until brilliantly tipped onto the foot of the post by Bevan.

So ended part one of a contest that had managed to be exciting despite the hostile conditions, and in which United had recovered from a sloth-like start to get somewhere near their best form by the end. But that was nothing compared to what was in store in part two, just after this break...

The boys in black and amber (but mainly white) were firing on all cylinders from the off for the second half. Reed found Bevan's arms with a sizzling sighter on 47, and two minutes later a swift breakaway by the galloping Knights and Wolleaston set the latter up for a one-on-one with Bevan. He steered his shot right-footed past Bevan from the left channel, but as the amber hordes rose to acclaim a goal, it somehow bounced the wrong side of the far post. Oh, the agony.

The pattern was soon set for the remaining forty minutes: United pouring forward, either via Knights down the middle or down the flanks, particularly through Reed, but having to be wary of the odd counter from Kidderminster. Fortune-West beat his man with some neat close footwork on 54, but with the goal at his mercy he shot too close to a grateful Bevan.

Up the other end Potter stopped a Simon Russell shot following Farrell's corner, then Bevan foiled Knights in similar fashion before the little U's playmaker picked up a yellow card for a mistimed challenge on Paul Bignot on 58. And from the ensuing free-kick, the hosts took the lead.

As Russell took the kick from deep, the United defence rushed out en masse to play offside... all except LFW, left behind like a bewildered pensioner, bless him. It was arguable whether the recipient of the kick, Justin Richards, was offside, but by all accounts the colleague he found with his pass, Christie, was definitely off. But no flag was forthcoming, and the Kiddie striker lashed home past a helpless Potter. 1-0.

United responded by turning up the temperature to 'Deep Heat'. LFW rifled over just past the hour, Rendell had a shot blocked by Russell, Farrell cleared a Reed corner, then a Reed cross was superbly brought down by LFW with his chest but his volley flew a yard wide. The charge continued, Wolleaston and Carden (above) spreading the ball from deep to willing runners Gleeson, Reed and Knights as they and the front two pulled the hosts all over the place like ever more thinly stretched Playdoh.

Gleeson blasted over on 69 when he would have been better passing, and a minute later Boylan replaced LFW, who had looked masterly in his centre-forward play in everything, unfortunately, except his finishing. The substitution gave United even more mobility with which to terrorise their opponents.

Carden found Reed, but he couldn't keep his shot down, then a characteristic scampering run down the right by Boylan culminated in a superb ball across the six-yard box which just lacked a finish by a goal-poacher like, er, Boylan. Perhaps we could clone him.

Russell shot over for the Harriers on 72 then United responded with Rendell setting up Boylan for a low angled drive from the edge of the box; Bevan parried and the ball ran loose six yards out, Peters hared after it, as did Bevan and Penn, and although the United man managed a goalward prod, somehow the combination of keeper and defender throwing themselves into its path managed to block it away from the line. Again the U's fans' cry of 'Goal' stuck agonisingly in their throats like a giant Swizzle Stick.

Somehow the ball was cleared in a muddy melee resembling an out-of-control game of Twister. A minute later Reed's corner found its way to Knights, his shot was punched into the air by Bevan, and Peters - under it as it came down - swivelled on the penalty spot and sent a volley arcing up then down and onto the crossbar. Another almighty scramble ensued before Kiddie again managed to scrape it clear, and we began to get the distinct feeling that this wasn't to be our night.

Still the crosses rained in, another Boylan effort bisecting the six-yard box, Bevan clawing a Gleeson effort away, while Richards managed a shot at Potter's goal on 76 in a brief respite for the hosts, but missed the target. A minute later Robbie Willmott replaced Knights with licence to run at the opposition at will, while Brian Smikle came on for the hosts' Russell.

Willmott made an excellent initial impression, taking on and beating his opponents with ease, and Rendell slipped through down the left flank to test Bevan with an angled drive that was punched away for yet another corner. Wolleaston teamed up with Willmott to set himself up for a fierce fizzer which that man Bevan tipped behind, and from the resultant corner Peters headed onto the roof of the net. None of us could recall such a sustained period of pressure with so many narrow scrapes but so little reward.

Kiddie managed another break, Creighton nodding Bignot's corner wide, then back roared United again, Bevan saving from Reed's daisycutter and Peters having a header blocked by another morass of red-and-white-shirted bodies. Surely there was some sort of fiendish force field around the hosts' goal frame.

Five minutes from time Pitt came on for Reed, and soon managed a slalom run down the left climaxing with a cut inside and a disappointing shot over with his right foot. By now Peters had abandoned all thought of defending and stayed upfield to bolster the attack. Still the crosses rained in and Harriers' heroic defenders got heads and bodies in the way over and over again.

A last effort at timewasting came with Richards' replacement by Matthew Barnes-Homer, the Harriers striker mooching so slowly from the pitch that he eventually appeared to be moving backwards. One last free-kick was taken from the left by Carden, but frustratingly home man-of-the-match Bevan came out to clutch it to his bosom. The game was up.

It is doubtful whether anyone can say exactly how United came to lose this match, even the hosts, and they have played much worse than this and won. Several times. We will just have to accept that sometimes it is just not your day. Statistics rarely tell the full story, but they did reveal that United had 62% of possession and 19 shots to Kiddie's 8. Suffice to say if the U's play like this consistently, they will win far more than they lose or even draw. And that is a certainty.

Statto Corner
United won their first-ever meeting with Kidderminster 2-1 with goals from Eddie Robinson and Phil Hayes in a Southern League Division One game on 22nd September 1959. The two teams drew 2-2 in the return game that season and did not meet again until 2002-03... and United have not won a game against the Harriers since, with a total of three draws and three defeats at the Abbey and two draws and four defeats at Aggborough since that very first encounter.

This was United's first away league game on a Thursday since 6th May 1999 when they lost 2-0 at Swansea in the penultimate game of their last promotion season. If they had won then, a draw in their final game at home to Brentford would have clinched the Division 3 championship; as it was, they had to win, and the Bees' 1-0 triumph in front of a crowd of 8,936 won the Londoners the title instead.

Kidderminster's win spoiled United's three-game 100% record in televised Conference games after wins over Hereford two seasons ago and Oxford and Rushden this term.

Iyseden Christie is almost a much of a bogey player to the U's as Kiddie are a bogey team. In seven appearances against United, he has been on the winning side five times and lost only once, in 1998-99, in three games for the Harriers and four for Mansfield. He has only scored himself twice however, against one sending-off, and unusually has never played against the U's more than once in any one season. So don't expect to see him at the Abbey next year!

Player Ratings
Potter 7. Always in command and rarely troubled throughout.
Coulson 9. As good a full debut as any youngster could dream of, his brilliant goal-saving clearance in the first half was the highlight of a calm, strong performance.
Peters 9. When the going gets tough, the Rhino gets going.
Hoyte 8. Another authoritative and impressive outing.
Gleeson 7. Thoroughly solid going forward and back defending.
Wolleaston 8. Not quite at his head-turning best, but still played his full part in an excellent team effort.
Carden 7. Mr Safe Feet, hardly wasted a ball.
Reed 8. Constant menace foraging down the left with a wicked set piece on him to boot.
Knights 9. United's best player for the best part of an hour, his link play, intelligent passing and twinkle-toed dribbling looked a cut above until he was substituted.
Fortune-West 7. Poor Leo, his all-round game was actually very good indeed, but sadly his shooting boots were left at home... and that's what counts for a striker.
Rendell 8. His usual impressive, mobile self, but the chances just would not fall his, or the team's way.

Boylan 8. A lively, darting menace, some of his crosses were exceptional, but the team needed a goal-poacher like him to get onto the end of them.
Willmott 8. Fantastic 'impact' sub, his confidence, ball control and the way he easily beat opponents with the ball at his feet pointed to a very special talent indeed in the making.
Pitt 7. Given little time to make an impact, but gave it a good go.

Match Summary
The Harriers hoodoo continued for United in one of the most extraordinary games of this or any other season. On another day a performance like this would have produced a thrashing for the opposition, but Kidderminster's goal led the most charmed life imaginable and the hosts must have unable to quite believe their luck at the end. It's not often you can take encouragement from a defeat, but United played so well they will be hard to stop if they can keep this sort of form going.

Man of the Match
Mark Peters. A towering presence at the back as ever, he inspired and guided his two inexperienced centre-back colleagues while doubling up as a menace to the opposition at set pieces, then switched to emergency striker with commitment and courage.

Ref Watch
Mullarkey 6. His Stevie Wonderesque 'assistant' must take the blame for Kidderminster's offside goal, but the man in the middle was rarely better than average, stopping play for too many trivial offences while letting them go if they took place anywhere near the penalty area.

Non-League Player's Name of the Week
Worthing United's beardy-weirdy-alike Richard Branson.

Soundtrack of the Day
Rascals 'Out Of Dreams'

The MP3 Files
Mark Peters lends an ear to the Aggborough sounds. "I'm a broad-minded fellow - you had to be, growing up in Flint in the Eighties with likes of Gregarious Gladys and Marvelmounds Myfanwy prowling the local nightclubs! But when you're trying to enjoy the music at a football ground, I don't think it unreasonable to expect a little more than poppy pap aimed at small children and bored housewives!
"I feared the worst when I heard the dulcet tones of my old friend Mika, still singing like he's got his britches caught in a bear-trap, and after being bored into a coma by Shayne Ward, Leona Lewis and the Sugababes, the bland pomp-pop of Starship's ghastly 'Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now' seemed almost welcome. Unfortunately that was followed by those talentless clotheshorses the Backstreet Boys, and the clichéd sounds of Dario G and that ruddy 'Amarillo' song put the final kibosh on the whole sorry farrago. And I assume that Mr David Bowie will be taking out legal action, or preferably a contract, on Craig David after hearing what that bearded berk has done to his 'Let's Dance'! Hwyl!" MP3 verdict: 0/10.

Andrew Bennett

Now talk about it on the message board!

Andrew's previous match reports

The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.