Tuesday 18th September 2007 - Altrincham 0-3 U's: United feel no pressure in Cheshire

Like Viennetta, raspberry jelly and that soup with the funny name, revenge is a dish best served cold.

United's 5-0 defeat at Altrincham last season was one of all too many low points that torrid term and left them with a Moss Lane record of played three, lost three, albeit the first game was a 7-1 friendly defeat way back in August 1967. This current U's outfit is rather less accommodating and the amber hordes are looking forward to more than few scores being settled this time around with the uncompromising professionalism that has created their team's best start to a season in most people's living memory.

Alty are one of the minority of part-time outfits in the BSP and if their last two campaigns have been a struggle, this current one has so far been like doing the doggy paddle through Golden Syrup. Manager Graham Heathcote's plaintive programme notes admitted that his tactics have been somewhat negative so far and ended with the rather despairing "...The homework we do prior to games tells me it's our best approach, but as we are losing anyway, who knows what the best approach is?"

The only miracle was that having lost all four home games this season and picked up just three away from home, the Robins were only fourth bottom due to the utter ineptitude of Droylsden, Northwich and Stafford Rangers.

There was some cheer, though, for the home supporters with the unveiling of their new £50,000 floodlights. The occasion was commemorated by the inclusion within the matchday programme of a reprint of the prog for their first-ever game under floodlights against Cheshire County League rivals Witton Albion back in April 1966. The new lights were certainly bright, but not especially tall, and it turned out once the match started that any especially high clearances tended to disappear from sight completely into the night sky until they came down again into the lights' range.

Altrincham have a long and distinguished history in non-League football, but it takes a visit to Moss Lane for we U's fans to appreciate how far our own club has come, and the fact that we belong in an entirely more rarefied League than these part-timers. But then quite a few clubs can say that these days...

The parts of town through which we passed seemed very well-to-do indeed, some of the mansions on display looking ripe for occupation by monied footballers from Manchester. The football ground, however, had 'poor relations' written all over it and seemed to belong in a different town altogether. First stop for U's fans was the Noel White Suite, a cosy bar open to all behind the main stand and very pleasant too, although the urinals in the Gents' seemed to be designed for six-footers only, so high were they placed on the wall. They must breed them tall in Cheshire.

Moss Lane is a classic Conference ground, ramshackle and quaint but proudly looked after and user-friendly. Three sides are terraced, with a covered end for home supporters, one side covered by three separate roofs, and the inevitable uncovered end for away followers. The seated main stand occupies the middle third of the other side, with terrace to its right and some sort of club room to its left with a bank of uncovered seats in front. They must be fun on a rainy day.

A tremendous turnout of some 200 U's supporters lined the terrace, close enough to the pitch to enjoy some memorable banter with Danny Potter in the first half and for one United follower to terrorise a bewildered home keeper in the second by bellowing into his ear as he tried to take goal-kicks. He soon relaxed, though, as the rest of the amber hordes assured him that it would be quite acceptable to chin the little fellow if he got too annoying.

JQ made only one change from Saturday's defeat of Crawley, recalling Courtney Pitt at the expense of Darren Quinton, while Alty lined up in the same defensive 4-5-1 formation that has failed so comprehensively so far this term, experienced striker Colin Little confined to the bench in favour of Joe O'Neill.

United started pretty well, but soon the hosts began to get a grip on the game with some neat, attractive interpassing around their well-manned midfield. The hosts gained the game's first corner on 3 when Val Owen's shot deflected off Mark Albrighton, but Jake Sedgemore's flagkick was prodded wide by skipper Darren Tinson. The Robins' main danger man was left-winger Carlos Logan, a speedy little fellow with a low centre of gravity and a passing resemblance to Gnarls Barkley's Cee-Lo but an ability to drift past defenders like our own Mr Pitt.

It was Logan who created the best chance so far on 6 when his high searching cross swung to Robbie Lawton near the penalty spot, but under pressure from Mark Peters he waved his foot at the ball and flicked it wide when it seemed easier to hit the target. First let-off for United.

Logan continued to trouble United's right flank and slalomed through for a shot at goal himself on 10, which flew narrowly wide, and the hosts continued to press with two further corners from which Tinson and O'Neill failed to find the target, and on the quarter hour Gareth Whalley essayed a long-ranger which was easily caught by Potter.

United took the lead on 17, somewhat against the run of play, which really summed up both sides' seasons so far and their contrasting abilities to take their chances. Home defender Chris Lane's error presented the ball to Leo Fortune-West, and with quick thinking he slipped it through for Pitt, unmarked down the left channel. Looking up from just outside the box, he produced a moment of Premiership class in an inch-perfect chip which sailed unstoppably over keeper Richard Acton's head and into the far corner. Exquisite: 1-0.

We all know from the last few seasons' depths that sinking feeling of 'Oh no, not again' that the Alty players must have experienced and their heads started to go down, deflated after such a promising start. Scott Rendell tried a blaster that was deflected behind for a corner, and on 21 the U's really rubbed it in by doubling their lead.

Dan Gleeson was creator and executioner as he gained possession out on the right and cut inside. His touch was a little heavy, but he gave chase and when Ryan Shotton tried to clear, Gleeson flew in to block; it ricocheted to LFW and, quick thinking again, he slotted it straight back into the United number seven's path, and he made no mistake from twelve yards with a crashing finish high past Acton's left shoulder for only his second ever league goal in black and amber. Devastating: 2-0.

You could see the self-belief drain from the Alty players like air from a whoopee cushion sat on by Giant Haystacks. They were, however, presented with a golden opportunity to pull one back on 27 after Michael Morrison fouled O'Neill. As Lane took the free-kick from deep out on the right, the United back line rushed out to play offside, only for it to backfire horrifically as two Alty players, Shotton and Logan, were left to run through onside down the left channel. Incredibly, though, they got in each other's way as Shotton tried to bring the ball under control, and as Potter stood helplessly, they managed to fumble it comically wide. Now THAT is bottom of the table form.

This was all too much for one Alty fan, who had been screaming abuse at the U's fans from the side terrace, and he disappeared, presumably to have a nervous breakdown, or at least in search of a cat to kick. United saw out the rest of the half in comfort without threatening further, Alty managing only a Sedgemore free-kick well wide on 38 and a Logan snap shot even further wide in added time.

There seemed to be no way back for the hapless hosts, who had really been playing some decent stuff until the stuffing was knocked out of them by United's one-two. Heathcote's programme remarks about his own side's Saturday performance against Woking ("...totally inept up front, void of ideas") seemed equally applicable to tonight, and even Shakespeare himself would have struggled to come up with an inspirational speech for his half-time talk. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, indeed.

In classic non-League style, nearly all of the Alty fans who had gathered at the far end of the side terrace to watch their team's 'attacks' in the first half trooped to the opposite end for part two, more out of a sense of duty, one suspects, than any expectation.

The hosts at least looked fairly fired up after the restart, with some uncompromising challenges flying in, but they could make no impression on United's impressive rearguard and on 53 they went 4-4-2, replacing Sedgemore and O'Neill with Little and Chris Senior. The U's tested Acton with some searching inswinging corners, one of which he almost fumbled and caught cleanly only on the second clutch, and at the other end Lawton blasted wide on 55.

Alty's fate was sealed, however, just before the hour. More fancy footwork from an inspired Pitt culminated in a superb cross from the byline, and there was Rendell perfectly placed in the middle; his header was not the cleanest, looping high into the night sky, but Acton could only grope thin air as he stood on his line and watched it dip and sail just under the bar. Methinks he had been watching too much of that butter-fingered Argentinian keeper at the Women's World Cup: 3-0.

It never rains but it pours. The amber hordes knew it was their night, because although they could see that it was raining, it was somehow not falling onto the open away terrace due to its peculiar angle of descent.

Senior picked up the first booking of the night from pleasingly low-key ref Langford on the hour for dissent and Little lashed a shot wide a minute later. Senior blasted over two minutes later while at the other end Owen upended Pitt and Convery sent a free-kick into Acton's arms. And on 66 came the hosts' best chance yet to salvage some pride.

It was a bizarre one, as Lawton's right-wing cross seemed destined to float harmlessly into Potter's arms as he advanced from goal, but Morrison got his head to it first and nodded it to the edge of his own area. The ball fell to Owen twenty yards out, faced with an open goal with Potter caught out of position, but he typified his side's entire season by lofting a tentative half-volley goalward which bounced agonisingly wide of the far post. A Northern Rock shareholder who owned a sheep farm in Surrey and backed England to win the rugby and cricket world cups would have more luck at the moment.

LFW seemed to be clearly pulled back by the shirt as he tried to break clear a minute later, to no interest from the ref, then Gleeson broke down the right and only Tinson's nod clear stopped it falling to the big United target man. Another excellent Convery run then culminated in a tremendous ball across the six-yard box at which Rendell twisted but could not quite get a decent contact on.

On 72 Alty switched left-backs for some reason, Sean Clancy replacing Warren Peyton, and for the U's Rendell was withdrawn for the fresh legs of Robbie Willmott. Pitt terrorised the hosts' defence with another run four minutes later, only to be hacked down by Lane who received the second yellow of the match for his, and Courtney's pains. CP's clever free-kick found Stephen Reed escaping his marker in the box, but his fifteen-yard shot was blocked by a forest of red-and-white shirted bodies.

Not long after LFW almost caught Acton on the hop with an early blaster which flew just past the post, and on 78 JQ made his second and last change, swapping Reed for Quinton. By now the amber hordes were in celebratory mood, and even got director Phil Law and physio Greg Reid to give them a 'bounce', which made the latter resemble a Wibbly Wobbly Weeble more than ever, bless him.

Alty's legs were gone by now and United probed for a fourth, Willmott chasing everything that moved like a starving greyhound, but Alty held onto the vestiges of their pride. Quinton lashed a decent effort just wide on 86, while Owen blazed over for the hosts on 88, and the U's almost applied the coup de grace in added time when Willmott sped down the left, arrowed a ball across the face of goal and Convery, racing in at the near post, inexplicably dummied instead of getting the touch it needed to score, LFW arriving too late at the far post to tap in.

No matter. Another win, another game without defeat, another "We are invincible!" chant from the supporters. The next two games against Stevenage and Aldershot will provide much sterner tests than poor old Altrincham and will go some way to determining just how far this impressive United side can go this season. Be there!

Statto Corner
The last time United went ten league games undefeated from the start of the season was in the Eastern Counties League days of 1953-54. Then, as now, the U's won six and drew four, including victories over Tottenham Hotspur and West Ham United's 'A' teams, before finally succumbing to defeat, 3-2, to Gorleston in their eleventh game in front of 3,424 at the Abbey. United went on to finish third behind King's Lynn and Clacton Town, but defeated Cambridge City and Histon to win the Cambs Invitation Cup and progressed to the second round proper of the FA Cup, beating League Division 3 South side Newport County 2-1 away in a first round replay before bowing out by the same score at home to Division 3 North's Bradford Park Avenue, with 10,000 at the Abbey for that one. We had our revenge seventeen years later when we replaced BPA in the Football League.

Player Ratings
Potter 7. Rarely tested, giving him plenty of time to enjoy the banter with the travelling U's. Top man.
Albrighton 8. Titanic as ever.
Peters 8. Reliable as Rolex.
Morrison 8. Crisp and efficient.
Gleeson 8. Occasionally troubled by the tricky Logan, but otherwise top-class wing-back play.
Wolleaston 7. Another industrious outing.
Convery 7. Decent display, although like the rest of the central midfield, allowed the hosts too much possession for some spells.
Reed 7. Put himself about well.
Pitt 8. Sparkling effort topped by a wonderful goal.
Rendell 7. Hard work rewarded by yet another score.
Fortune-West 7. Two assists and a vital fulcrum up front.

Willmott 7. Full of energetic running and enthusiasm.
Quinton 6. Satisfactory late cameo.

Match Summary
It truly was professionals against part-timers at Moss Lane as ruthless United soaked up struggling Alty's pressure then crushed their hopes with goals at important times. United will need to play better for longer at Stevenage, but they did quite enough to continue the unbeaten run into double figures without too many alarms.

Man of the Match
Courtney Pitt. The wee man was back to his best with some pulsating wing play, scoring a brilliant first goal and making the third, while also attending to his defensive duties when required.

Ref Watch
Langford 8. Scarcely noticeable for most of the time and sparing with the cards, he kept the game flowing and maintained a firm but low-key control of proceedings; a proper ref. Send a video of his performance to Amy Rayner, she might learn something.

Non-League Player's Name of the Week
Poulton Rovers' resident genius, Dan Cleverley.

Soundtrack of the Day
Late Of The Pier 'Bathroom Gurgle'

The MP3 Files
Mark Peters lends an ear to the Moss Lane sounds. "During the summer break I spent a lovely weekend at the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Folk Festival, and I reflected to myself that the beautiful music I was hearing really was deserving of a wider audience. Unfortunately all you're likely to hear at most football grounds is the latest chart sounds, and Altrincham was no exception. And I must say, what an indictment of modern tastes it was! Gym Class Heroes' only trick seems to be to take someone else's song then talk over it, not very well, and while Kate Nash has quite a pleasant voice, there's no need for all that profanity, is there, love? Avril Lavigne has a voice like a car alarm going off, Enrique Iglesias has none of his distinguished father's timbre and I've heard whistling kettles more melodious than Mika! And as for Take That... Mark Owen is a fine Welsh name, but his weak, reedy vocals are a disgrace to the Valleys! The runout music, Aaron Copland's 'Fanfare For The Common Man', is at least a fairly stirring, if somewhat clichéd piece, even in ELP's rather pompous prog-rock version. But overall, not a great night for music lovers! Hwyl"' MP3 verdict: 2/10.

Andrew Bennett

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