Tuesday 21st August 2007 - U's 5-1 Farsley Celtic: Hurricane Leo lays waste to village

Dion Dublin. Dave Kitson. Alan Biley. Martin Butler. David Crown. Wilf Mannion. Kingsley Mbome. The denizens of the Abbey have acclaimed many heroes over the years. But not all of them have sported the black and amber of Cambridge United. Every now and then, an opposition player attracts his own sort of acclaim from the amber hordes; an entirely different type of adulation altogether.

Who, for instance, could ever forget the legend that was Jon Parkin? Back in 2004 the tubby Macclesfield "striker" put on a display of such stumbling, miskicking ineptitude that the NRE started a chant of "Parkin for England!" and booed his bench roundly when he was finally hauled off. The big man now plies his trade for Stoke City, somehow, and still looks like he enjoys a pie or three.

Long before he signed for United, Millwall's Dave Thompson assured himself of legendary status at the Abbey when he left his keeper hopelessly stranded with a pinpoint back pass into the corner of his own net four minutes from the end of extra time to win an FA Cup Fourth Round Replay for the U's in 1990. And we only had to see Mick Halsall's face to start laughing heartily.

Another such legend returned to the Abbey on Tuesday night: Lee Sinnott. It was the penultimate game of the 1990/91 season. After another exciting campaign, John Beck's stormtroopers needed one more win, against Bradford City, to seal a second successive promotion to what was then known as Division Two. A packed crowd of 8,679 witnessed a tense, nervous affair in which the visitors took an unexpected lead before United equalised on the half hour. From there on in nerves became gradually more shredded. Then, with eleven minutes to go, it happened.

Michael Cheetham drove a low cross over from the right. Bradford defender Sinnott strode across, intending to lash it clear... and the ball careened spectacularly off the side of his boot and flew in the exact opposite direction, flying into the back of the net past astonished keeper Paul Tomlinson from twenty yards out before he could move. What a shot! What a goal! What a berk!

Sinnott's winning goal sealed promotion for United and wild celebrations ensued. A defender who would never play for the U's had written himself indelibly, not to say clumsily, into CUFC history. Now, sixteen years later, the legend returned as a managerial success, having guided Farsley Celtic into the Conference at the first attempt. Not bad for a village side which only five years ago was bumping along in the middle of Division One of the Northern Premier League behind such giants as North Ferriby United, Belper Town and Radcliffe Borough. Yes, Farsley are to all intents and purposes Yorkshire's equivalent of Histon.

Celtic's away travel mini-bus was sold out, all sixteen places taken, and the official travelling contingent of forty seemed to include several of their reserves and backroom staff. Gawd bless every one of 'em. As the summer rain slanted down from dismal grey skies, you could just imagine them saying "Eeh, even t' sleet is warmer down south, our Obadiah!"

For all the amber hordes' confidence after United's excellent start to the season, cautious optimism was the watchword(s) with memories of last August's disappointing encounter with another gang of green-and-white hooped Northerners in Northwich Victoria still fresh in the collective mind.

Thankfully the United players were sufficiently recovered from their virus to report for duty, and the only team change from Thursday's TV thriller with Oxford was the restoration of skipper Danny Brown to the side in place of Stephen Reed. Their opponents made their first ever trip to the Wembley of the Fens with a narrow win and a close defeat under their belts and a close-knit bunch of part-time players who aren't even household names in their own living rooms. Into the unknown for both sides.

JQ had warned his men against complacency, and they proved that they had taken his advice on board with a barnstorming, up-and-at-'em start which yielded a goal in barely eighty seconds. In an echo of his stonking goal against Dagenham last April, it was all down to Rob Wolleaston: picking the ball up on the left, he cut inside on his right foot, bustled past three opponents then blasted for goal from just outside the box. It may or may not have gone in, but a wicked deflection off a startled defender made sure as it flew past helpless goalie Kyle Sutcliffe for the best possible start: 1-0.

The ball was in Danny Potter's net a couple of minutes later, but Damian Reeves' shot had long been superseded by the offside flag. Simeon Bambrook had a pop from deep a minute later, but the United custodian's confident handling belied conditions as treacherous and slippery as a python with a football agent's licence.

It took the U's until the ninth minute to discover the easiest route through Farsley's shaky defence when Brown's cross found Leo Fortune-West's head, and when his thunderous nod was cleared off the line, Courtney Pitt raced in only to see his goalbound shot superbly tipped over by Sutcliffe. There was to be no escape for Celtic, though, as Wolleaston's corner found Mark Albrighton, and as Sutcliffe spilled the big defender's downward header, there was even bigger Leo snaking out a telescopic leg to poke home a predator's goal from close range. 2-0.

Perhaps subconsciously, United took their collective foot off the gas a little, and seemed content to fire balls down the middle towards LFW and Lee Boylan rather than using the wing-backs. This was not a great success, due mainly to the quality of the balls in question, although it took shellshocked Farsley until the eighteenth minute to gain their first corner. To their credit, though, they started to get their passing game together (no Stafford-like Route One merchants, these boys) and on 25 created a good chance for Gareth Grant, but Potter was alert and saved with ease.

United finally managed some proper passing football of their own after a brief lull and on 28 showed that any move of decent quality would be sufficient to carve the Yorkshiremen apart. Darren Quinton latched onto a loose ball in the right channel, advanced and crossed low into a crowded area, and when the hapless Sutcliffe could only pat-a-cake the ball towards the penalty spot, there was an unmarked LFW to hammer coolly and convincingly home for his second. 3-0.

United maintained their pressure as crosses and set pieces rained in, and just after the half hour the visitors were dealt a further blow when defender Mark Jackson was stretchered off after falling awkwardly in repelling the Anglian invaders and replaced by Bailey Camfield, a name which should surely be registered with the Law Society as a firm of solicitors.

Still the U's peppered the Celtic box with crosses. Albrighton headed a decent chance over the top, and on 36 many Abbey denizens were shouting 'Goal!' when Quinton's cross from the right found LFW bustling in unchecked six yards out. Somehow his downward nod was scrambled away from the line and his follow-up shot blocked desperately by Sutcliffe with his legs.

Denied his hat-trick once, it seemed big Leo must score a minute later when he ran onto Albrighton's nod and somehow danced past a couple of Celtic defenders like a stick insect doing the Riverdance; but with only the overworked Sutcliffe to beat, his low shot cannoned off the sticksman's feet and ricocheted high over the bar. At this stage it seemed kinder to stop the contest to save Farsley's defence from further punishment.

Brown, clearly bored, gave Bambrook a sliding clattering on 38 and was booked for his troubles. Boylan, who must have been feeling left out of all the goal action for a change, hit a characteristic blaster goalward on 40 but could not beat the man in gloves, and to prove that their spirit wasn't broken, Farsley finished the half on the attack, Potter saving from Bambrook and Reeves placing an effort just wide. But as the players trooped out of the steady drizzle to the dressing rooms, the match as a contest looked to be as dead and buried as 'Tigger' Tim Henman's playing career.

Celtic made one change, replacing striker Ryan Sugden with winger Roy Stamer, and it was all green and white in the early stages of part two. It would have been easy to blame a delayed reaction to the United players' illness, or just plain complacency, but the visitors deserve credit, however patronising, for taking the game to their mighty (ahem) opponents and doing so by playing neat-to-feet passing football.

For all their nice build-up, however, they just could not find that final killer pass, and for that the United back line, especially the impressive Albrighton and Gavin Hoyte, deserve some credit. Brown blocked an Amjad Iqbal blaster, Bambrook drove into Potter's arms from long range, and Farsley's pressure culminated in a booking for Michael Morrison for bringing down Iqbal.

Brown was withdrawn on 64 for Stephen Reed, and within a minute the visitors finally had their goal. Ironically enough it was created by a pinpoint, defence-splitting ball by Wolleaston, whose brainstorm of a back pass through his own defence was sent perfectly into the path of Grant. The Celtic striker had the simplest of tasks in strolling unchallenged to the United area and slotting calmly past the helpless Potter. 3-1.

With further irony (yes, even more ironic than rain on your wedding day or a black fly in your Chardonnay) Farsley's breakthrough served only to galvanise somnolent United back into action. Within a minute they came within inches of a fourth when Reed's clever quick free-kick sent Boylan scampering free down the right channel. Cutting in, his close-range shot was well blocked at his near post by Sutcliffe, but the rebound fell for the foraging Quinton who had only to tap in to restore United's three-goal cushion. But even as the Abbey rose to acclaim his goal, Camfield incredibly appeared from nowhere to fling himself full length along the line and head acrobatically clear. Clearance of the season, no contest.

Five minutes later Celtic made an attacking change in introducing Andy Watson for Anthony Lloyd. Potter comfortably clutched a Camfield free-kick, while at the other end Reed lifted a long-range howitzer over the angle. Mark Peters replaced Hoyte on 74 as JQ tried to make sure that his side did not do anything really silly, and Albrighton picked up a yellow three minutes later for felling Grant.

It was still an even contest over the half, but on 80 it really was all over. United produced another moment of quality football that was too much for their opponents as Quinton sent Boylan away down the right, and his low cross to the far post was inch-perfect for Fortune-West to poke home for his hat-trick, at last. 4-1.

Stephen Smith replaced Quinton a minute later as United mustered a strong finish after their collective half-hour rest. LFW headed wide on 84, and three minutes later Wolleaston set up Dan Gleeson for a diagonal run into the box and a storming shot that had 'Goal' written all over it until Sutcliffe produced a marvellous save to claw over the top. 'Twas but a brief respite, however, as Celtic's aerial weakness was exposed again from the corner and Albrighton rose and seemed to hover like a giant, scary hummingbird to power Reed's kick home from close range. 5-1.

As the ninety passed Smith lashed a decent effort narrowly over and Farsley, game to the end, tested Potter with a shot from Grant. Then it was all over and the Abbey rang to the unfamiliar strains of "We are top of the league!" For such a convincing margin of victory it was a surprisingly patchy performance, excused to an extent by many of the players' illness, but all the more encouraging in a way; imagine what this team could do if it was firing on all cylinders for a full ninety minutes!

Farsley looked a spirited outfit who try to play football the 'proper' way, but they will need much more of a cutting edge up front and a lot more strength at the back if they are to survive their first season at this level. Good luck Yorkies, you'll need it. Us, we're just going to enjoy the moment, and keep stealing glances at that league table...

Statto Corner
The last time United were top of any table was the penultimate weekend of the 1998-99 season. Scarcely any need to remind you that defeat to second-placed Brentford on the last day presented the Bees with the Division Three Championship.

The last time the U's won their first three league games of a season was back in the Beck golden age of 1991-92. The matches were alternated with two League Cup wins to boot.

United have now won five consecutive matches including the last two of 2006-07. This is their best run since they won six in a row between 14th September and 12th October 1996. Anti-climactically, they finished tenth.

As for previous hat-tricks... everyone knows that one. Chilli against Weymouth and Robbie against Northwich, mere months ago. How long until Boylan gets the next one?

Player Ratings
Potter 7. Rarely called upon, but alert when needed.
Morrison 7. Decent team effort.
Albrighton 8. What a great signing: total class, utterly reliable.
Hoyte 8. Another excellent, tough-tackling performance.
Gleeson 7. Played his solid part.
Quinton 8. Driving and energetic force.
Brown 7. Usual uncompromising self until forced off.
Wolleaston 7. Best effort for some time; one mark deducted for the worst back pass this century.
Pitt 7. Never hit the real heights but busy and effective.
Boylan 7. Rare goalless game didn't stop him making an important contribution to a good team outing.
Fortune-West 9. Awesome.

Reed 7. Helped reinvigorate a team drifting towards moribundity.
Peters 7. Good, solid contribution.
Smith 7. Lively late cameo.

Match Summary
Big Leo was the unstoppable star as a superb start and a strong finish put paid to the brave Yorkshire villagers. The fact that United played well for only an hour, resulting in a 5-1 win, should send shivers down the spines of their rivals this season.

Man of the Match
Leo Fortune-West. Hapless Farsley found him totally unplayable. Utterly dominant from start to finish and might have scored a double hat-trick, never mind the three he did notch. And he reckons he's still rusty!

Ref Watch
Scott 6. Not up to the standard of previous refs, he made some dubious decisions and some unnecessary stoppages and never really convinced that he was completely in charge of proceedings.

Non-League Player's Name of the Week
The most unpronounceable name in football, Eastwood Town's Kyle Gnandte.

Soundtrack of the Day
Stinky Munchkins 'Release The Lions

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